But what was the question? Just hours before passing on November 21, 2008, Brendan Foster was interviewed by CNN for a food drive for the homeless that he helped birth from his hospital bed, just two weeks before. The reason for his hospital stay? Leukemia. The interview and the question that he was asked is in the video below.
It’s been over 7 months since Brendan died, but his words have echoed in my mind countless times since then. I tend to be an adventurous person. I love to try new things and experience the different flavors that life has to offer. But, as we all know, there are only so many hours in a day, and only so much that can be experienced at the same time. Sometimes to try something new, you have to give up on something old.
It sounds great right? Something is not working like it was before, so you throw it away and get something better? You only live once, so make sure that you live it right! No one wants to look back at their life in regret of the actions that they did not take, or the experiences that they were too afraid to try. It does take some courage to try something new, but that courage does not make you wise or righteous in having it. In fact, you can be a fool if you do not first consider the circumstances around the “old” thing, at the time when it was “new”. What was it that made the “old” thing so desirable in the first place?
I slowly raise my hand up to identify myself as one of those fools. I was experiencing difficulty in my marriage. In some ways, if I’m being honest, it felt like a terminal illness. I was unhappy, and the only option I chose to see was the one that Brendan wished that I wouldn’t. I gave up. I threw both hands in the air and said: ”I quit!” I thought about my wife and my children and honestly believed that they would be happier to have a happier me. That meant leaving. I didn’t believe that my presence and perseverance were valuable enough to hold onto. What I saw… was broken. So I threw it away.
Then, I saw Brendan’s interview. It shook me. ”Why was it ok for me to give up?” I kept asking myself. But it was too late. I had closed the door, sealed my fate, and turned the page.
But his words stayed with me.
The divorce continued. She moved on. I moved on. Lawyers came in. Assets and debts were divided. Visitation schedules were drawn up. Friends took sides. Family members ached with their own sense of loss and betrayal. And on May 6, 2009 it was finished. The divorce was final.
And with that mutual goal of divorce being completed, something changed. Something in our perception of reality. We now faced a future together as co-parents of three wonderful children. We were still “partners”. In truth, our love for children is what brought us together in the first place.
We had poured out the bottle of our love for each other. Every last drop was gone. But as we looked closely at the bottle, we noticed the “CRV” near the bottom, in small print. Cash Redemption Value. Whoever created this bottle still wanted to use it. Even after we had exhausted it’s contents. We remembered when the bottle was first filled with our courtship and marriage. We remembered praying together asking our Creator to create something beautiful with us. We wondered if there was value still to be had from this bottle. We wondered if we were worth redemption.
Now, as we attend counseling together, I see the value of holding on. As we learn more about cognitive psychology together, we see our scotomas and acknowledge our limited perceptions. We are creating a new vivid picture together and we are praying again for our Creator to fill the bottle. It still has value. WE still have value.
I share Brendan’s answer on what makes him sad, for myself. Not every situation is like mine. There is necessary growth in life and sometimes we must let go to grow. But now that I have this chance again to create something beautiful, I’m holding on.
