Jon Plus 4 and Kate Plus 4

A few months back, SNL’s weekend update did a short joke about the Gosselin family drama, implying that their then current rumors of infidelity would inevitably lead to a break up and divorce.  Seth Meyers quipped:

“Responding to reports of infidelities, Kate Gosselin from the reality show Jon and Kate Plus 8, denied that she and her husband were splitting up. Though it is interesting that TLC has two shows on its fall schedule entitled “Jon Plus 4″ and ‘Kate Plus 4.’”

I didn’t believe it at the time, but his words seem strangely prophetic in light of what the family and show are facing now.  Jon and Kate plus 8 returned to the air after a monthlong hiatus this past Monday.

The first of the two back to back episodes was compiled of earlier footage before the two parents had officially separated.  Jon and Kate shared just a couple of scenes together, and did not spend any time on the iconic couch, which has always been their nest for reflection on the episode.  The theme of this episode was the renovation of the kitchen, which was planned for during happier times, and happened to be scheduled for the summer.  While the two had to decide on what features they would have in their brand new custom kitchen (presumably free for them because of the exposure the company would receive), they made it clear that their choices would be for the children, and that they were only thinking about them.

I’ve heard a lot of comments around the web about how the sort of answer “we’re doing what’s best for the kids” is ludicrous based on their decision to separate.  The idea is that the best thing for children is for their parents to be together, no matter what.  It’s a callous point of view in my opinion, and one that is probably not offered by those who are in that situation, or who have gone through a similar situation.  I would like to believe that most parents love their children deeply and honestly do believe that their actions will have a positive effect on their children, in the long run.

In my case, I did not want to set an example of an unhappy marriage with my children.  I figured that if their mother was happier without me, and that I was happier without her, then our kids would understand and be happy for the both of us.  What I did not consider, was that my definition for happiness was something that I came to on my own, whereas my definition for happiness at the beginning of our relationship was something that Kim and I came to together.

As much as I want to believe it, there are very few (if any) things that make everyone happy.  You and I may like ice cream and it may make us happy, but there are a lot of people in the world who do not, for many reasons.  A positive pregnancy test means ecstasy to the couple who has been struggling with infertility for years, but it may shatter the dreams of a teenage girl who is a leader at her church.  Even taken to the extreme of life after death, in its simplest dichotomy, life with God seems like a dreadful time, while others yearn for it now, even while living.

Understanding other people, whether in a relationship with one other person, or within a real community with many people, is not always a first nature behavior.  For many of us, it isn’t even second nature.  During the show, Jon asks Kate if she would like to add a refrigerator under the counter.  She glares at him and asks, snootily,

“No Jon.  Ugh.  What planet do you live on?”

After a couple of beats of awkward silence, the kitchen remodeling designers explain to her that they also believe that it is a good idea and she sheepishly acknowledges that maybe he does live on this planet.  I paused the show, and commented to Kim:

“That was jacked up.  Why does she have to make a comment like that?”

To which Kim replied:

“Because he banged another woman, that’s why!”

“Touche” was the best reply that I could come up with after that.  I love that girl!

For Kim, Jon’s actions seemed to justify Kate’s treatment of him.  I saw Jon’s comment and felt that it was more innocuous and helpful and not deserving of the rebuke that he received from his wife.  Kim and I watched the same scene, but came to two different conclusions on Kate’s behavior.  I don’t know if either of us is “right”, and I don’t want to debate it now.  I just want to point out how both on the show, and in our viewing, we were unable to see the same situation in the same light.

I will say that Kate’s strength has come shining through in all of this.  In the second episode, she struggles with setting up a tent for her children, even as her daughters comment to her that it is something that only a man can do.  I’m sure the thoughts going through her mind about what her husband might be doing at that moment (or whom) instead of setting up that tent, must have been gnawing at her.  She showed incredible grace and poise, eventually acknowledging that she was not an expert at it, but that she would try to do anything for her children that they needed.  I really admired her in that situation.  I hope that Jon did as well.

Half way through the first episode, Kate and the kids hit the beach to be free of the dangerous remodeling in their kitchen.  Jon stayed behind and his absence was felt.  One of the boys drew his name (Dad) in the sand.  The camera caught a wave breaking onto his sand canvas, wiping out what he had made so far.  Kate exclaimed:

“Oh no.  Now we have to start over.”

Maybe so, Kate.  But if Kim and I are an imperfect but earnestly humble example… maybe not.