I have a lot of goals.  One of them involves becoming a better facilitator.  Another involves becoming a better communicator.  Still another is about being a wise man.  A few months back, a local college preparatory school asked if I would be interested in substitute teaching.  I identified this opportunity as a process that would help me towards those first two goals, and even provide a little income on the side.  After meeting with the administration and learning a little about the school and its values, I agreed and began to substitute a few days per month, for various courses.

While I was there, a funny thing happened.  I LOVED it.  Now, I don’t mean that it was a pleasant surprise and a welcome change to my schedule.  I mean that I could feel something inside of me and around me as I walked through the doors into the hallway.  Now, it may be that they pump laughing gas through the air vents, but I think it is more likely that some vivid picture of life that I had in my own mind was being matched by something outside of me.  It was the realization of a goal that my subconscious mind had been teleologically fixed to, and I thoroughly enjoyed becoming aware of it.

Still, my goal remained to be a full-time Project Director and Facilitator with The Pacific Institute.  I was meeting new people, developing new projects, and collaborating with others for some exciting work in the coming months and years.  The goal was fixed, my affirmations were clear, and the plan was moving forward.

Then a door opened.

The head of the upper school called me to inquire if I would be available to fill in for a teacher for the rest of the school year.  Without even thinking, I politely declined, citing the amount of time I needed for my projects with The Pacific Institute.  Because my goal was clear, and I perceived this new information to be a threat to that goal, I shut the door.

But, as it sometimes does, opportunity knocked again.  This time, our conversation touched on the courses that would be on my docket.  Subjects like psychology, religion, history, and social studies.  She wasn’t asking for me to fill a hole as a warm body.  She was telling me that she had interviewed several interested applicants, and still believed that I was the best candidate for the position.  She was confident in the positive impact the position would have on me, and the students of the school.

So I did something that I should have done the first time around: I evaluated.

As I looked closely at the opportunity, I became acutely aware that I was not operating within a vacuum.  Taking responsibility for my choices and their consequences has been my modus operandi for the past seven months, but I often forget that almost every choice has consequences outside of me as well.  It’s another paradox, it seems.  I can’t focus just on my own choices and their consequences, and I can’t just be passive and let my life happen to me.  It’s a delicate balance, and I was leaning too much on the goal of being a successful Project Director.

But why did I want to become a successful Project Director?  Was it so that I could share my own experiences with others in a way that would help them to avoid the pain that I had experienced?  Was it to impact people in a meaningful way so that they would find something great within themselves because of something I did or said?  Was it to do my part as a citizen of the world to make it a better place?  When I took all of those things into consideration, the teaching position was offering me a process towards an even greater goal: not just to be a wise man, but to be a wise man with a legacy for my children.

In the end (or beginning, as it were), I gladly accepted the position and will begin on January 4, 2010.  Since I was a teenager, I have had the idea in my mind that I will have my act together (in some way) by the time that I reach 30.  If Jesus didn’t really get his game going until then, and Siddhārtha didn’t reach enlightenment before 30, why would I?  In February, I’ll reach that magical age, and while I’m not sure that I’m going to have my act together, this new chapter has me very excited about what life (and my students) will teach me as a teacher.

While speaking to a group of high school students last month after the Ft. Hood shooting, our discussion touched on the volunteer nature of American armed forces.  When someone mentioned how much soldiers have to sacrifice in order to join up, I brought up the professional sacrifice of Pat Tillman.  To my shock and amazement, none of the students had ever heard of him.

While sharing Pat’s story with this group, my own personal emotions regarding Pat’s decision and death came surging back to me.  While I’m definitely more of a pacifist now than at any other time in my life, I can still draw strength and inspiration from his decision to give up his high paying and high profile position as an NFL player.  The act of temporary sacrifice for the sake of a greater good has not been exactly been a hallmark of my own life.

Trying to find a balance between striving for what I want, and denying myself those same desires has been the unresolved theme of my life.  In an effort to “die to self” in an aim toward virtue, I often times sabotaged myself (and my family, as a result) as I came too close to reaching my desires.  I began to expect failure like a musical virtuoso expects applause. I couldn’t believe Gene Wilder’s Willy Wonka when he remarked that the man who suddenly got all that he wanted, lived happily ever after.

I’m not sure that I can say that I completely understand Pat’s decision, but recently, it has taken on new meaning for me.  From everything that Pat accomplished (3.84 GPA in 3 1/2 years at Arizona State University, while being named Pac-10 Player of the Year, as a 5 foot 11 inch linebacker) to what those close to him said about his drive, it seems clear that he didn’t do very many things half-assed.  So how does someone with that kind of focus and resolve just change his path so drastically mid-course?

What if he didn’t change his mind?  What if his decision to enlist was completely in line with his personal goals and desires?  If becoming a successful professional athlete was Pat’s supreme goal, then yes, he did make a wholesale change to his values and desires.  But if his desire was to be a great man, then it was just his definition of what makes a man great that changed.

It’s another variation of the discussion on life as more of a journey than a destination.

I now understand desire as a virtue.  As long as that desire aligns with the ultimate principles that govern life. A desire that leads to a full stomach, an escape from reality, or an orgasm is not one to embrace as life-giving or virtuous.  But a desire that leads to a peaceful resolution, a restored relationship, or the benefit of others may be.

Desires and choices come from our goals.  When we are immature, we can only see a short distance into the future.  As we grow, we can see farther and our goals reflect longer term aims.

Pat’s goal was to be a great man.  My goal is the same.  But how I’m defining great has changed.  A great man doesn’t deny fulfilling his desires for the virtue of denial itself.  A great man aligns his goals with the most virtuous truths on the highest level of abstraction that he can reasonably comprehend.  Now, if I miss a meal, miss a nap, or avoid romance with other women, it may seem seem like some sort of denial of desire, but it is what I want.  And I’m finally OK with getting what I want.

The day of Michael Jackson’s death, Mayer’s words were the celebrity quote that most accurately conveyed my own feelings at the time:

“Dazes in the studio.  A major strand of our cultural DNA has left us.  RIP MJ.  I think we’ll mourn his loss as well as the loss of ourselves as children listening to Thriller on the record player.”

Then, I saw his musical tribute at Michael Jackson’s funeral.  It was a type of synthesis of his unbelievable guitar talent, and the very human connection that John felt with Michael’s music and life.  It had such an impact on me, that I made it the theme song to this web site, as odd and as self-aggrandizing as that is.  Strangely enough, I’m not sure if I have thought about John Mayer or heard any of his music since then.

It is somewhat poetic and appropriate then, that a recent video interview of John with CNN would catch my attention and paint a nice picture of what it means to be human.

The full transcript of the interview is even better and I gleefully recommend reading it.

Many of the articles on this site deal with the human side of two groups of people who often times aren’t considered as such: criminals and celebrities.  I am convinced that both groups of people are judged far too harshly by many, due to the blindingly bright nature of one side of his/her personhood.

If you view John Mayer as a skirt chasing, limelight loving, lucky SOB;  you’re only half right, if that.  The theme of the interview (and apparently, this new album) is that John is taking ownership of who he actually is, and not who he is trying to be or pretending to be.  This is tremendously important for anybody who is looking to know oneself, even if for the sake of trying to change.

Although John’s comments on age are intentionally hilarious and exaggerated, they ring true to me now as I am on the cusp of my thirties.  I’m taking inventory of where I have been, and I’m trying to examine the events that most helped to contribute to my current state.  I now believe that just a few core beliefs help to guide nearly everything that I do, and in a way, life isn’t as complicated as I sometimes make it.

As Polonius said to Laertes in Hamlet: “This above all: to thine own self, be true.”  Before John Mayer was a celebrity, he was… John Mayer.  Writing songs about love and heartbreak were natural, well received, and most of all… real.  It sounds as if he is trying to keep a hold of that which made his music magical, namely his unapologetic honesty.  He may not be politically correct, but he doesn’t seem to be bitter or resentful of much outside of himself either.

I’m a fan of honest conversations and blunt confrontations, in a spirit of love.  I want my life to be characterized by more of this.  I want it to be one of those core values that everything else flows out of.  Thanks for reminding me of that today, John.

I got on the Garth Brooks bandwagon late, after Chris Gaines and even after his retirement from touring.  Never one for country music, I had assumed that I would need a ten gallon hat or a ten pound belt-buckle in order to experience some toe-tapping, knee-slapping, or even heart-melting at the sound of his voice.  He finally got me good with the closing track of the Dennis Quaid/Jim Caviezel father/son movie Frequency in 2000.  I remember the sitting in the theater by myself, after all my friends had left, just profoundly moved by the words and music that I was listening to.  Here is video on Youtube that someone put together with the song and some pictures of inspiration:

Click here to view the embedded video.

It’s not that I wasn’t aware of Garth’s popularity.  Kim had always made it very clear to me that he was a superstar, and not just in the world of country music.  In fact, he has sold more records than any other solo-artist in history.  That’s no small feat for a singer who’s genre is often included in statements like “I like all kinds of music, except for ________.”

Las Vegas is not exactly a hotbed for country music.  How many young banjo pickers head to Sin City for a shot to play for the throngs of country music fans there?  To get signed to play in Vegas for five years, you must transcend the genre.  Garth Brooks seems to do just that.

So, what does he have that makes him so relatable, connectable, personable, and charming?  Maybe if we knew his secret, he would cease to be what he has come to be for so many people: a real icon.

Real is the best word that I can think of to describe this guy.  He’s been married, had three kids, divorced, remarried, and still lives on a ranch in Oklahoma, instead of a penthouse in New York.  It could be due to the fact that he reached the pinnacle of music greatness, but he’s much more concerned about being a good father than being the king of country music (or anything else for that matter).  But even through his rise to fame, he’s still come across as real.  He’s made plenty of mistakes, and he’s owned up to nearly all of them.

In fact, his Chris Gaines alter-ego failed to launch precisely because it did not seem real enough.  Sure, the pseudo-goth look and the VH1 Behind the Music episode all seemed plausible for a normal star, but just not Garth.  Garth Brooks doesn’t pretend.  At least, that’s what his fans all believe.  For a guy who can sell out five concerts at the Staples Center in L.A. in less than an hour, it was largely considered a failure.  Being released ten years ago, which was ten years after his debut album in 1989, I wonder how the The Life Of Chris Gaines album has aged over this past decade.

With all of that said, it really seems that Garth Brooks has a hold on some sort of thread that connects him to humanity more than someone like Kanye West, at least at this point in Kanye’s career.  It has to be more than his “Aw shucks” humility, although that seems to be part of it.  Perhaps he just knows that he really isn’t substantively different than anyone else in this world.  Just luckier, maybe.  For a guy who can basically print money for charities, by performing a concert or five, that’s a great thing for all of us.

It remains to be seen if Garth can reignite the media fire that he has been standing outside of for so long (sorry, I couldn’t resist), but I’m ready to be on board this time.

What struck me most about the movie was how I was unable to fully relate to the father who’s grief turned to rage and vengeance.  He spoke of the injustice of the fact that his son’s killer was walking the streets while he would never hold his own son again.  He believed that things would be fair and balanced again when the perpetrator was punished (killed).  I kept wondering if I could ever come close to understanding that with only a vicarious experience to go by.  While the death of my children is my greatest fear; more death does not give me a sense of justice, but just a continuance of pain.

I would recommend seeing the movie, and I don’t believe that I have spoiled it for you.  The boy’s death occurs in the opening 10 minutes, and the majority of the film is the story of the aftermath.

The reason that I mention this movie is because of the interview I saw yesterday with the mother of model Jasmine Fiore.  If you have not followed the story, Jasmine and her ex-husband’s rocky relationship ended with her body being found in a trunk, with her fingers cut off and her teeth pulled out, to prevent the identification of her body.  Jasmine’s body was eventually identified by the serial number on her breast implants.  Her ex-husband, Ryan Jenkins had disappeared and become the primary suspect.  The story became more popular nationally because of the murder suspect’s recent appearance on a VH1 reality show.  The show has since been cancelled because of the tragedy.  Earlier this week, Ryan Jenkins was found in a Canada hotel room, hanging from a coat rack, dead.

In the interview, Jasmine’s mother speaks of her desire for justice and her relief that she now has it, because of Ryan’s death.  She referred to him as a “coward who didn’t want to face the consequences of his actions”, who took the “easy way out”.  She shares that she would have liked to have seen him behind bars.  It’s sad to me that this man’s death was not enough justice for her, and that she would feel better for him to suffer more before eventually meeting the same fate (death) as her daughter.  I really hesitate to even judge her reactions at this time, under these circumstances, but it fascinates me to think about the issues of justice in human terms.

I’ve had some interesting conversations with people over hypothetical situations that mirror stories like this.  Is there an appropriate response to death at the hands of another human?  Does it matter whether it is homicide or manslaughter?  Is revenge ever justified?  If you believe in a higher power, do you desire God to be vengeful, or forgiving?  If God is both, where is the dividing line?  If the dividing line is indiscernible, how then shall we live?

I think about and pray for the mother of Ryan Jenkins as well.  She has lost a son, and she probably does not even recognize the person being portrayed in the news that committed these acts.  Does she blame herself for how she raised him?  Does she wonder what could have been if she would have done something different?  How does she move on from here?

I’m not sure what all is to be learned from this.  Death is tragic at a young age, but it is a part of what happens in this world.  The survivors are the only ones capable of making things better after the fact.  We don’t want to prepare for it, but we my be call upon to respond to it.  God help us.

Update:  The mother of the children spoke to the local television news station last night.  You can read the transcript here and see a brief video of the interview.

I do not have the body of a runner.  I barely have the body of an athlete.  When I see video of myself in physical activity, I wince like most of us do when we hear our voice on a recording and think “Is that really what I am like?”.  But, for whatever reason, in every stage of my life, I have run.  Today, I ran to the beat of this song, by Panic! at the Disco:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=FaZPe9Kl7n8

The drum beat has fantastic cadence for my running stride.  I love letting the image of the video run through my mind as I run through the streets.  The Sgt. Pepperish outfits are a throwback to the 60′s, and the song dances back and forth with talk of the past and the future.  Even the title asks some clever questions:  ”At what point would 9:00 ever be considered the afternoon?”  and “Is the afternoon the end of your daily rhythm, or the beginning?”

In researching for this article, I discovered the band has since split up since writing and recording this song.  The remaining members (the drummer and the front-man), just released a new single entitled “New Perspective“.  The song doesn’t grab me right away, but the title and some of the lyrics seem to indicate a view towards the future and what could be, juxtaposed with what was.

We’ve all heard the phrase “time marches on”, and it certainly does.  I sometimes wonder if growth and maturity are inevitable based on the ticking of a clock and the movement that must take place in the midst of the march.  In many cases, time does drag or push us into the future, whether we wish it to or not.  And that seems to be the difference: our wishes and intentional movement.  There is a future to be entered into, and it can be our choice of how and where we enter.

I have this picture in my mind myself walking through life in between a set of parentheses.  If I start to feel sorry for myself and sit down to pout, the parentheses keep moving.  Eventually the lagging one is upon me and dragging me through the dirt, forward through life.  It’s when my focus is on the leading one when I am most content and at peace with life.

Hope abounds.

Optimism rains from the sky.

Energy fills my heart and mind, and my body runs toward the future.  I think that this is part of the reason why most children are happy as a default setting in their lives.  With less to look back on, there is the future waiting to be entered into.  I also think this is why the phenomenon of a mid-life crisis is so rampant, and legitimate.  After getting “over the hill”, many of us want to scramble back to the top and enjoy the view.  Or even to climb back down to a part of the trail where the peak is still ahead on the horizon.

Time is marching on.  It’s my responsibility to stay on my feet.  Right now, I’m running.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlPqkIABjKs

www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMzVCa8fWT4

In wondering what it means to be human, I practically dismissed the notion of learning anything from studying animals behaviors.  But since this is a social phenomenon, it seems to transcend our differences from simians.  The phrase: “Imitation is the highest form of flattery” is usually used to appease someone who has just had their image or actions stolen or copied by someone else, and he or she is not happy about it.  I’m not sure how much time I have spent thinking about how deep this idea goes, but I am thinking hard about it now.

I wonder where the line could be drawn for where our connectedness with others relates to our mimicry of each other.  My friend Ben is a skilled soccer player.  When he takes the field, he is focused and determined.  Almost without fail, when he is involved in a play, his teammates (myself included) raise their game.  We see Ben hustle, and we instinctively hustle in response.  He doesn’t need to ask us to follow him, we just mimic him and do it.

But when Ben saw an opportunity to challenge an opposing player who was about to head the ball, he charged, leaped, and threw himself at the ball with his own head.  When the dust had settled and Ben had an inch long gash under his eye that would require several stitches and sully his good looks for a time, I realized that I had drawn a line in my mind as to where I would stop mimicking Ben, so that I could avoid that outcome.

Whether I am too soft of a player or not (which I certainly am), is not what is most interesting to me.  It’s the fact that what I admired and mimicked about Ben had reached a breaking point.  Now, I would love to blow kisses to Kim during my soccer games, but if Ben began to mimic that, I would have to challenge him to a game of “wanker” (A childhood game of ours that involved at least 2 teenage boys, a swimming pool love seat, and not a bit of the homoerotic sensuality that the name might imply.  You may know it as “king of the mountain”, and the pool allowed us to experiment with all types of suplexes and wrestling moves.  For whatever reason, we called it “wanker”, and I was often crowned king.).  There was obviously also a limit in my mind of what Ben could do to mimic me, and still be appropriate.

What is this dividing line that we must be mindful of in terms of our social activity?  ”Mob mentality” has been researched and documented vigorously, and it has been shown that an individual will behave quite differently in a mob of people than he or she would in the same situation, by himself or herself.  Just because a behavior “seems” right at the time because of the actions of those around us, does not mean that it aligns to with principles that we hold ourselves to personally.  It a type of social intoxication, that many people try to avoid by becoming monks and hermits.  These actions seem too one-sided to me.  I would rather look for the line than retreat to one side and avoid contracting social diseases altogether.

Any thoughts on “the line”?  Is there a line?  Anybody feel more comfortable going the holy (meaning “separate”) route?

Last night, on the premier of the new season, Jon and Kate publicly acknowledged that their relationship is mostly over, and that divorce seems to be inevitable.  This clip illustrates so clearly how far the two parents have grown apart and how much they are both hurting.  The scene from 3:30 to 4:28 especially broke my heart.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Jon probably cheated on his wife.  You can see it on his face and on hers.  It is a painful situation that I know only too well.  The exact details of his affair aren’t as important as the fact that is marriage is seriously unhealthy.  Message boards have filled up with people taking sides and talking about how Kate should drop him and move on, or how Jon was acting out in response to Kate’s controlling personality.  We can’t know.  It’s so complicated, they may not even really know why they do what they do.  I’m still baffled almost daily at my own behaviors based on what I say I believe in and who I want to be.

One of the main reasons that the show was so popular, was the near constant tension between Jon and Kate.  How they would fight and argue, only to come back together at the end of each episode with his arm around her on the couch, recapping everything and making up.  I can vividly remember an episode where they go on a ski trip in Utah, and Jon is absolutely thrilled with the freedom to ski by himself.  Away from the family, away from the kids… just himself and the slopes.  His life was not balanced.  He saw his opportunity for freedom, and he took it.  I fear that his life away from Kate won’t give him the balance he seeks either.

This clip from the show has old home movies of their engagement and better times.  It’s sweet to see them with such love and positive sentiment override for each other.

Click here to view the embedded video.

For me, I am seeking to be the man that my wife once saw in me.  Not for her, but because it really is who I can be.  Who wants you to succeed more than your spouse?  She was right to have high hopes for me.  I will never be perfect, but with practice, I will become more Godly.  I think that everyone would be on board for that.

This is a short clip that was filmed during a facilitation of the Investment in Excellence curriculum in February 2009.