Zac Parsons

My son and I at a community service project last Fall.

This morning, while sitting at the kitchen table, the question that I had expected my son to eventually ask me, was finally asked.  After taking the self-applied clip-on tie off of his undershirt, buttoning his top button, and correctly reseting the tie, he looked at me and said:

“Daddy, why don’t you go to church with us?”

Kim happened to be walking down the hall, but she heard the question and raised her eyebrows at me as if to say “He’s your son!”  She realized that this was going to be a man to man conversation, and continued to the bathroom to prepare herself for the upcoming church service.

I looked at my son’s earnest eyes, and contemplated his even more earnest question.  As many parents do, I weighed the merits of a short answer that would stop his questioning, but be less than truthful, against a more truthful answer than might take a series of answers and explanations about things that he might have trouble wrapping his mind around.  Today, I chose to give him the more honest answer.

I told him that it was because of my beliefs.  Although the church and I share some of the same beliefs about living a moral life, we differ on so much more.  The main difference, as I told my son, was the church’s view of the other, the outsider, the adherent of another faith, and/or the unrepentant sinner.  This church (like many others) believes that after death, certain people will end up in some sort of hell.  For most of my life, I have believed the same.  But in the past few years, for a variety of reasons, I no longer do.

Before explaining anything else to him, I let him know that despite his desire to be just like me in so many ways, his beliefs would have to be his own.  Whether my words of explanation will have any more influence on him than my actions, only time will tell.  But, I wanted to express to him how personal everyone’s beliefs are, and how they should have some measure of respect.

After describing hell as a place where people were sad and crying for ever and ever, and where God could not/would not ever see them or rescue them, my son replied that he did not want to ever go there.  I told him that some people believe that the population of hell is made up of people who deserve to be there.  I shared with him my belief in a God who would not create someone who would eventually end up in hell.  In fact, I read a great quote in a book by Samir Selmanovic just yesterday:

“I have become convinced that a God who favors me over others is not worth worshipping.”

In the end, my son walked away with a couple of new thoughts about God and hell, and an apparently sufficient answer about why daddy wasn’t going to church.

Really, I just can’t wrap my head around the belief that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and at the same time that God is the creator of this mess that falls short of Him.  If God is responsible for the situations in our life that lead us to make choices, then He is also somewhat responsible for those choices.  If He is not responsible for those situations, then everything is just chance and chaos.  God cannot judge our actions justly if we are all playing with different pieces on often vastly different game boards.

I’m sure that I could say more about this, but I’ll save it for another time.

Not believing in hell is just a stone’s throw away from not believing in “sin”.  In light of my Christian upbringing, this is a belief that challenges much of what is commonly understood about the purpose and nature of Jesus, the namesake of Christianity.  If there is no hell, and there is no sin, then what was Jesus all about?  If he was just a great moral teacher, and not God incarnate, then this changes everything.  Depending on what criteria you use to classify a Christian, then you may not consider me one anymore.  To be honest, I myself often wonder if I should claim that for myself anymore.

I feel like I’m a sort of religious no man’s land.  Where I’m going to end up is unclear.  I just know where I don’t want to be:  In a place where God loves me (enough to give me life in heaven) more than he loves other people (so little that He lets them die in hell).  If you found some place where I could find myself more at home, please let me know.

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Even if you consider yourself a soccer fan, unless you live in Germany, there’s a decent chance that you have never heard of Robert Enke.  That might have changed during the summer of 2010, with the expectation that South Africa’s World Cup will be the most watch soccer tournament in history.  You see, Enke was rising to the top of the German goalkeeper depth chart.  There was a great chance that he would have started a match or two, if not all of them.

With such a high profile tournament, television production companies often highlight stories of human interest among teams, players, fans, or locations.  ESPN might have chosen to profile Enke and the tragedy of losing his 2-year-old daughter in 2006.  Her rare heart condition ended up taking her life, and breaking Robert’s heart as well.  Even with an outpouring of support from friends and fans all around him, Robert became mired in a deep depression.

While you can never replace an individual human’s life with another, Robert and his wife Theresa began the process of adopting a new daughter in 2008.  But even caring for his new daughter, Leila, could not replace the growing hole in his heart as he replayed the death of his first daughter, Lara, over and over again in his mind.

On Tuesday, November 10, Robert stepped in front of a train with the intention of ending his life.  Tragically, he was successful.  Through his suicide note, his wife, and his psychiatrist, we now know that it was a fear of losing Leila that motivated his act.

If you believe that we move toward and become like that which we think about, then it may make sense to you that Robert Enke could not shake his daughter’s death from his life.  Even if it seems incomprehensible that someone could take himself away from his daughter by suicide, in an attempt to prevent his daughter from being taken away from him, that was likely a part of his thought process.

His depression was deep, but it was a secret.  Enke believed that It was keeping this secret that kept his new daughter from being taken from him.  If the adoption organization were to know about his depression, perhaps they would take Leila away.  Knowing the thread he hung on by after Lara’s death, another lost child would do him in.  So even on the precipice of his greatest soccer glory, his future seemed uncertain and dreadful.

Perhaps that is why he traded in his tomorrows for the relief of no longer thinking about the pain of loss.  It’s a shame.  Hopefully his story will reach those living with depression and encourage them to reach out, even at the risk of social or professional peril.

For now, it is time to heal.

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Easy tiger...

How you feel about Jon Gosselin is probably going to depend a lot on what you have personally experienced in your own life, or how you value stories of failure and redemption.  If you’ve led a morally upright life, and you tend to only value failure if it is soon followed by redemption, you may have little to no sympathy for Jon Gosselin and his bachelor-esque behaviors (while married) over the past several months.

This is especially difficult to swallow for those who revered him as a type of “super-dad” and loving husband who would sacrifice anything for his family.  Even if a divorce is a dance for two, he seems to have loaded up the jukebox with many more songs than Kate.  Their legal proceeding are becoming increasingly volatile and their relationship is strained to a microscopic level.  I’m sure that many may have the desire to remind Jon that he made this bed, and now it is time to sleep in it.

From doting father and submissive husband to jet-setting playboy with a cell phone filled with booty calls, Jon has shown clearly that he has a wild side.  But is that all that it is?  Is it just one side of his personality?  With his behavior over the last year seeming so different than what was known about him up until that time, the question on many people’s minds is:  ”Will the real Jon Gosselin please stand up?”

Lisa Respers France from CNN wrote a fantastic piece about Jon’s recent conversations and counseling with Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, who apparently is something of a celebrity spiritual advisor.  In the article, besides dispelling rumors that he was to be starting a new reality series with “Octomom” Nadya Suleman, Jon had some frank comments about his behavoir:

I am well aware that my behavior over the past few months has not always reflected my personal and religious values. I further accept that I have allowed myself to become somewhat severed from my own moral anchor and be carried away by the challenges of fame.

and:

It is my sincere desire to use the fame I have so unexpectedly acquired to highlight mature, responsible behavior as well as the joys of fatherhood and family.

and probably the most honest of them all:

I ask the public to please understand the challenges I face in living under constant public scrutiny, even as I am aware that I have at times courted that scrutiny.

Ok, so a level-headed Jon is issuing a mea culpa, with a promise to change the future in a positive way.  But does anyone care?  Over 60% of that CNN article’s readers polled believe that Kate should NOT forgive Jon.  There is a real belief in the minds of many people that some sort of penance must be undertaken before forgiveness should be entertained.  Perhaps those people are right.

But there are many that believe that blanket forgiveness is often undeserved, and punishment (or justice) is the best way to return to a balanced way of life.  In my own story, many people advised Kim to “make him (me) pay” and “make him (me) work for your (her) love” during the beginning of our time of healing.  Our healing blossomed into a reconciliation, but that is not and should not be the only expected result of healing.  Peace is paramount.

Jon at a more innocent time

Past behaviors, both negative and positive, must be synthesized to arrive a current state of someone’s character appraisal.  Jon is neither a knight in shining armor nor a wild, partying, lust-monster.  At least, not fully.  They are two sides of his personality, and it’s likely not a 50/split.  We all act differently in different stages of our lives, and sometimes the pendulum swings wildly.

Human nature is not just about who we wish to be, it’s about who we are, which is evidenced by what we do.

The biblical story of the prodigal son has be retold in many different forms over the centuries.  I even participated in a reimagining of the story with cues taken from The Princess Bride while I was in college.  In my opinion, it’s a story that highlights three parts of human nature:

1. Personally testing the rules put in place by others for one’s own good, only to find out through much pain that they are true.  (The prodigal son)
2. Having love override all negative behaviors to bring about a restoration of peace, despite a lack of justice.  (The father)
3. Being frustrated and angry over a lack of justice and wanting a situation of “fairness” to exist.  (The brother)

I’ve felt all of these feelings at different times in my life.  Is the Gosselin saga an appropriate narrative to apply the principles of this parable?

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Sometimes something newsworthy happens, and I completely miss it.  It’s usually something that I care very little about, or something I am just completely ignorant about  how it may pertain to my life or the people in my life.  This past week it happened. Because apparently, Garth Brooks is going to be performing live concerts again.

I got on the Garth Brooks bandwagon late, after Chris Gaines and even after his retirement from touring.  Never one for country music, I had assumed that I would need a ten gallon hat or a ten pound belt-buckle in order to experience some toe-tapping, knee-slapping, or even heart-melting at the sound of his voice.  He finally got me good with the closing track of the Dennis Quaid/Jim Caviezel father/son movie Frequency in 2000.  I remember the sitting in the theater by myself, after all my friends had left, just profoundly moved by the words and music that I was listening to.  Here is video on Youtube that someone put together with the song and some pictures of inspiration:

It’s not that I wasn’t aware of Garth’s popularity.  Kim had always made it very clear to me that he was a superstar, and not just in the world of country music.  In fact, he has sold more records than any other solo-artist in history.  That’s no small feat for a singer who’s genre is often included in statements like “I like all kinds of music, except for ________.”

Las Vegas is not exactly a hotbed for country music.  How many young banjo pickers head to Sin City for a shot to play for the throngs of country music fans there?  To get signed to play in Vegas for five years, you must transcend the genre.  Garth Brooks seems to do just that.

So, what does he have that makes him so relatable, connectable, personable, and charming?  Maybe if we knew his secret, he would cease to be what he has come to be for so many people: a real icon.

Real is the best word that I can think of to describe this guy.  He’s been married, had three kids, divorced, remarried, and still lives on a ranch in Oklahoma, instead of a penthouse in New York.  It could be due to the fact that he reached the pinnacle of music greatness, but he’s much more concerned about being a good father than being the king of country music (or anything else for that matter).  But even through his rise to fame, he’s still come across as real.  He’s made plenty of mistakes, and he’s owned up to nearly all of them.

In fact, his Chris Gaines alter-ego failed to launch precisely because it did not seem real enough.  Sure, the pseudo-goth look and the VH1 Behind the Music episode all seemed plausible for a normal star, but just not Garth.  Garth Brooks doesn’t pretend.  At least, that’s what his fans all believe.  For a guy who can sell out five concerts at the Staples Center in L.A. in less than an hour, it was largely considered a failure.  Being released ten years ago, which was ten years after his debut album in 1989, I wonder how the The Life Of Chris Gaines album has aged over this past decade.

With all of that said, it really seems that Garth Brooks has a hold on some sort of thread that connects him to humanity more than someone like Kanye West, at least at this point in Kanye’s career.  It has to be more than his “Aw shucks” humility, although that seems to be part of it.  Perhaps he just knows that he really isn’t substantively different than anyone else in this world.  Just luckier, maybe.  For a guy who can basically print money for charities, by performing a concert or five, that’s a great thing for all of us.

It remains to be seen if Garth can reignite the media fire that he has been standing outside of for so long (sorry, I couldn’t resist), but I’m ready to be on board this time.

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Wow.  Each turn with this saga gets more and more odd.  If you’ve followed this story for a while, you’ll know that Jon’s comments to the media are mostly informal, off the cuff, on usually on his own terms when he is feeling generous with his time.  Other than the chair interviews on Jon and Kate plus 8, there have been very few formal video interviews with him, sharing his own thoughts on the matter.  Last night, Jon showed up on Larry King to reveal his news on pulling his children off of the new “Kate Plus 8″ show, among other things.  Here is a clip:

It’s hard to know what Jon really wants out of all of this.  Even though this is a video interview, and we are actually getting our information “from the horse’s mouth”, it still feels less than genuine.  You can almost see his lawyer’s hand reach into Jon’s back and making his lips move.  I smirked when his lawyer could not even remember the name of the show.  You’ve got to wonder how many times Larry King has watched the show himself.

It was surprising that his lawyer didn’t slap Mr. Jon Gosselin when he paused after being asked about how much money he made last year.  It’s responses like that (implying that he does not make enough money) that make you want to throw up.  But he does sprinkle in some other commentary that makes you want to pat him on the back.  Taking responsibility for his actions is a positive step.  There are many people who will never admit to a mistake.  I appreciate his honesty in sharing that.

I believe him when he says that he’s had an epiphany and that he cares for the welfare of his children.  It’s harder to believe that he told the TLC that he wanted to quit a long time ago for the sake of his children.  Especially with quotes like this from Kate from a corresponding CNN.com article saying she was:

“saddened and confused by Jon’s public media statements.”

and

“Jon has never expressed any concerns to me about our children being involved in the show and, in fact, is on the record as saying he believes the show benefits our children and was taping on Friday with the kids.”

It’s tough to see these two parents, who used to share a bed together, having to communicate to each other through media outlets and press releases.

A lot of anti-Jon sentiments have been put forth about about his recent playboy lifestyle and his womanizing ways, calling him a loser, a cheater, and a poser.  If his latest feelings are to be believed, (that he regrets his behavior, made mistakes, and wants to befriend Kate and work out his marriage), will people forgive him?

Many of the negative comments about Jon that I have heard have added a prescription for what he “should” be doing.  Namely, stop production of the show, stop all of the high profile womanizing, and work out a situation for his family that is in the best interest of his children.  If he indeed does this, will those same people support him?

Are comments of criticism meant to redeem Jon into some sort of redemptive behavior?  Or are they just mean-spirited and judgement, and a way to feel better about oneself for not experiencing the same moral failures?  Basically, will the public shackle Jon to his past?  Or will they support him into the future as he exemplifies approved behavior?  What do you think?

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Yup.  It’s official.  In an ironic twist of fate to those who have watched Jon drop the ball with his family, Jon Gosselin’s name has now been dropped from the show that he began with his wife and children just a few short years ago.  According to this CNN.com article, the new show will start on November 2, and will be called “Kate Plus 8″.  Oddly enough, TLC and Mr. Gosselin will maintain their “exclusive relationship”, for whatever that’s worth.

I’ve followed this story on my blog for a while, for two main reasons:

First, it was one of the top shows in my DVR stable, only subordinate to LOST.  We had never missed an episode, and I had a genuine rooting interest in their family, just from watching them grow from the comfort of our living room.

Second, I myself have gone through and continue to go through some of the same emotions and actions (including infidelity and divorce) that Jon is in the midst of at this time.  We both were deeply wrapped up in Christian communities where divorce is a sin of the highest order, and marriage is forever, is forever, is forever.  Happiness is at least secondary to commitment, if it is even in the top ten virtues of that sub-culture.  In this way, I felt much closer to Jon because of our kinship in seeking freedom from what seemed to be an oppressive situation: ie marriage.

Kate Gosselin is a strong woman.  This much is clear.  She has handled the situation with a good measure of class and composure, even admitting to some moments of despondence during this ordeal.  She has always been open about her flaws, even being willing to show her post-pregnancy belly on national TV before she was anything close to famous.

Jon, it seems has taken a different turn.  While the news of the demise of their marriage was fresh, many men (and women) wondered why it hadn’t happened sooner.  For all of her good qualities, Kate had a knack of putting Jon down, questioning his parenting skills, and generally treating him like a child.  And all of this on national television and (perhaps more painfully) in front of their children.  You could hardly contain Jon’s smile in the moments of freedom that he experienced on the show.  He seemed to begrudge his commitment to Kate and the effect it was having on his own personal freedom.

But, since their story has become a top headline around the gossip columns and the water coolers, he is much less “devoted dad” and much more “deluded douche-bag”.  Having several girlfriends at once is not admirable, in my opinion, and sleeping with anyone who will have you (including the babysitter and the nanny) sounds more like bondage than emancipation to me.

The truth is, anything can become a ball and chain in our lives, not just the lovely woman that you got on your knee and promised the world to.

I honestly hope for the best for Jon and Kate, and that does not necessarily mean reconciliation.  I was (and continue to be) fortunate enough to have a woman love so deeply and so truly, that my redemption and forgiveness is at hand, even now.  According to the state, we are divorced.  But to those who know and love us, they see what we have been working towards over the last few months.  A reacquisition of the love we had feared lost, and a bright future where dragons are slay-able and mountains are conquerable.

Thank God for my lovely partner and the power in all of us to change our mind.

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About a month ago, I watched a movie called “Reservation Road“, starring Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Ruffalo.  It’s the story of how two fathers deal with the accidental death of the one’s son at the hands of the other.  I cried in several parts of the movie.  It’s tragic whenever a child dies, and it feels even more real when you imagine yourself in the shoes of that parent.

What struck me most about the movie was how I was unable to fully relate to the father who’s grief turned to rage and vengeance.  He spoke of the injustice of the fact that his son’s killer was walking the streets while he would never hold his own son again.  He believed that things would be fair and balanced again when the perpetrator was punished (killed).  I kept wondering if I could ever come close to understanding that with only a vicarious experience to go by.  While the death of my children is my greatest fear; more death does not give me a sense of justice, but just a continuance of pain.

I would recommend seeing the movie, and I don’t believe that I have spoiled it for you.  The boy’s death occurs in the opening 10 minutes, and the majority of the film is the story of the aftermath.

The reason that I mention this movie is because of the interview I saw yesterday with the mother of model Jasmine Fiore.  If you have not followed the story, Jasmine and her ex-husband’s rocky relationship ended with her body being found in a trunk, with her fingers cut off and her teeth pulled out, to prevent the identification of her body.  Jasmine’s body was eventually identified by the serial number on her breast implants.  Her ex-husband, Ryan Jenkins had disappeared and become the primary suspect.  The story became more popular nationally because of the murder suspect’s recent appearance on a VH1 reality show.  The show has since been cancelled because of the tragedy.  Earlier this week, Ryan Jenkins was found in a Canada hotel room, hanging from a coat rack, dead.

In the interview, Jasmine’s mother speaks of her desire for justice and her relief that she now has it, because of Ryan’s death.  She referred to him as a “coward who didn’t want to face the consequences of his actions”, who took the “easy way out”.  She shares that she would have liked to have seen him behind bars.  It’s sad to me that this man’s death was not enough justice for her, and that she would feel better for him to suffer more before eventually meeting the same fate (death) as her daughter.  I really hesitate to even judge her reactions at this team under these circumstances, but it fascinates me to think about the issues of justice in human terms.

I’ve had some interesting conversations with people over hypothetical situations that mirror stories like this.  Is there an appropriate response to death at the hands of another human?  Does it matter whether it is homicide or manslaughter?  Is revenge ever justified?  If you believe in a higher power, do you desire God to be vengeful, or forgiving?  If He/She is both, where is the dividing line?  If the dividing line is indiscernible, how then shall we live?

I think about and pray for the mother of Ryan Jenkins as well.  She has lost a son, and she probably does not even recognize the person being portrayed in the news that committed these acts.  Does she blame herself for how she raised him?  Does she wonder what could have been if she would have done something different?  How does she move on from here?

I’m not sure what all is to be learned from this.  Death is tragic at a young age, but it is a part of what happens in this world.  The survivors are the only ones capable of making things better after the fact.  We don’t want to prepare for it, but we my be call upon to respond to it.  God help us.

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Last night, during their show, Jon and Kate Gosselin announced that they would be separating immediately.  They interviewed separately, and had some different things to say about what they thought the future might hold.  After the video played, which was presumably filmed before Monday, text popped up on a black screen saying:  ”On Monday June 22, 2009, legal proceedings were initiated in Pennsylvania to dissolve the ten-year marriage of Jon and Kate Gosselin.”  This is not the same as a separation.  This is a divorce.

TLC does not allow video embedding, so you can watch the announcement on youtube here.

It was difficult to watch, and the tone of the show has changed entirely.  Instead of marveling at the resilience of these two people who committed to raise 8 children in a home of love and support, it has morphed into a soap opera where verbal darts are thrown back and forth from the couple.  Some miss, others hit painfully hard.  It seems as if they are in a sort of competition with each other, where neither of them wants the other to be happy.  Jon’s earrings, Kate’s hair and (ahem) cosmetic surgery, the sprawling new home, the special trips and visits from celebrities… they have done so many things to try to be happy and make their children happy.  But, as it is now tragically obvious, neither of them is happy, and they are now on the path to legally end their marriage.

Kate seemed legitimately at a loss for what had happened.  To her credit, she displayed real vulnerability and despair for what was happening.  Judging by how strong she acts in almost every situation of her life, I don’t believe that she was asking for pity or trying to play the victim.  Jon did not seem pleased with the decision either, although he was less emotional and appeared more calculated with his words.

As someone who has gone through this, I wanted to reach through the screen and just hug both of them.  In the irony of ironies, I watched this episode with my ex-wife, who happened to need a place for the kids to sleep due to a power outage in her neighborhood.  It brought us together to view the show, and talk about our similarities to their situation.  She was able to help me see Kate’s perspective and pain, and even give hope to what may come next for Kate… true introspection, soul searching, and reflection.  Both my ex-wife and I have done much of this over the past several months, and our cordial relationship for our children’s sake is turning into a true friendship again.

I’m not sure what will happen with Jon and Kate, but I can say something now that I haven’t been able to say until recently:  reconciliation is possible.  The behaviors that let to the deterioration of our marriage, if not changed, would lead to the deterioration of our next relationship or marriage.  We both believe that these changes are for the best, regardless of if it returns us to a state of togetherness.  Our time apart has removed many of the scotomas in our lives that prevented us from seeing who we truly are.  We are looking at our future with new eyes, and with new hopes.

Will we make it?  It’s tough to say.  We will be starting counseling together right away.  We will continue to live in separate houses.  But, with hope back on the table, who’s to say that it’s not possible to find love again?  Not me.  Not anymore.

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My ex-wife and I followed this show from it’s beginning about 3 years ago.  Up until the point when we separated, we had seen every episode.  There were so many things about Jon that I related with, and things about Kate that my wife could relate to.  They had 2 pregnancies, and ended up with 8 children.  TLC found their story fascinating, and did a 1 hour special on them as the sextuplets turned one.  They did a follow up episode as the kids turned two.  The response was so great, that TLC suggested a regular series.  Because they had so little time to create home movies with all of the diapers, clothes, food, and life going on around them, Jon and Kate agreed to invite the cameras into their lives, and document what it is like to raise twins and sextuplets.

Last night, on the premier of the new season, Jon and Kate publicly acknowledged that their relationship is mostly over, and that divorce seems to be inevitable.  This clip illustrates so clearly how far the two parents have grown apart and how much they are both hurting.  The scene from 3:30 to 4:28 especially broke my heart.

Jon probably cheated on his wife.  You can see it on his face and on hers.  It is a painful situation that I know only too well.  The exact details of his affair aren’t as important as the fact that is marriage is seriously unhealthy.  Message boards have filled up with people taking sides and talking about how Kate should drop him and move on, or how Jon was acting out in response to Kate’s controlling personality.  We can’t know.  It’s so complicated, they may not even really know why they do what they do.  I’m still baffled almost daily at my own behaviors based on what I say I believe in and who I want to be.

One of the main reasons that the show was so popular, was the near constant tension between Jon and Kate.  How they would fight and argue, only to come back together at the end of each episode with his arm around her on the couch, recapping everything and making up.  I can vividly remember an episode where they go on a ski trip in Utah, and Jon is absolutely thrilled with the freedom to ski by himself.  Away from the family, away from the kids… just himself and the slopes.  His life was not balanced.  He saw his opportunity for freedom, and he took it.  I fear that his life away from Kate won’t give him the balance he seeks either.

This clip from the show has old home movies of their engagement and better times.  It’s sweet to see them with such love and positive sentiment override for each other.

I have hope that they can find peace and happiness again, and that their children will share it with them.

For me, I am seeking to be the man that my wife once saw in me.  Not for her, but because it really is who I can be.  Who wants you to succeed more than your spouse?  She was right to have high hopes for me.  I will never be perfect, but with practice, I will become more Godly.  I think that everyone would be on board for that.

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By some strange circumstance (do those still exist?), I was able to listen to two popular authors this week, at two different locations, at the same church.  The church is Central Christian Church of the East Valley, and it meets in two separate locations, with my home being right in the middle of them.  Now, both of these authors have been recommended to me recently.  Young, for The Shack, and Eldredge, for Desire.  I was encouraged by both of them, but for different reasons.  Let me try to explain.

William P. Young

William P. Young goes by “Paul”.  He looks like a “Bill” to me.  He came in and sat down next to the pastor, Jeremy Jernigan, in a comfy padded chair, up on stage.  Jeremy asked him a basic question about his childhood, and Paul was off for 20 minutes.  He spoke of his childhood in New Guinea, where he was the child of missionaries, and the only “white” person that the tribe had ever accepted into their culture.  They were canabalistic and highly sexual.  He was sexually abused by men and women in the tribe from his earliest memories at 4 years old.  This became normal for him, but he still knew that something felt “wrong” about it.  His relationship with his parents was not healthy, but he was a successful teen and young adult, graduating summa cum laude at his college and beginning a job in a church.  He married at 38 in a whirlwind of a brief courtship…. 11 days.  He and his wife have six kids.

About 15 years ago, the most significant moment of his life occurred.  His wife called him from his office and said:  “I know”.  He had been having an affair with her best friend for three months, and he knew that he either had to go meet his wife and confront the situation, or end his life right there and not deal with it.  He chose to talk to her, and for 11 years, they battled.  Kim, his wife, loved him and hated him at the same time.  He shared his childhood abuse stories with her.  He shared his struggle with perfectionism with her.  He shared everything with her.  She was devastated, but still invested in him, so she stayed.  I don’t remember what happened after the 11 years, but he would consider his relationship with his wife as “healthy” now.

I was moved to tears by his story, as were many people in the crowd.  Among the lines of his talk that were most vivid to me, was this:  “Is there anything that God does that is not motivated by love?”  Being located at a church, you might have guessed that there would be some mention of God in this talk.  But, most of what Paul spoke of was regarding God’s love, and how religion tends to corrupt that.  In his book, God meets his protagonist three times, each in a different form.  God is portrayed as a large, black woman, an Asian woman, and a Jewish carpenter.  Its seems that his point was that viewing God as some sort of father or grandfather figure is devastating to many people, due to the relationships they have with their fathers or grandfathers.

When Paul was through, he received a standing ovation.  He then did something that I was not expecting, and won’t soon forget.  He turned around and began clapping in the same direction that the audience was facing.  It was as if he was applauding an unseen God that was behind where he was sitting.  He then gracefully walked off the stage.  No waving, no blowing kisses.  It was cool.  The book has ruffled a lot of feathers in the church community.  It is now officially on my list of books to read.

John Eldredge

John Eldridge spoke at the Mesa campus on Wednesday.  He had no introduction.  He just began speaking into the “Garth Brooks” microphone attached to his cheek.  If you haven’t read any of his books, John is considered THE author for Christan men, as a subculture.  He encourages men to be brave and warrior like, an tonight’s talk would be no different.  He has divided the male life into 6 stages.  The boy, the cowboy, the warrior, the lover, the king, and finally… the sage.  He said that this is the intent of God in every man’s life.  Knowing what stage you are at, or what stage you should be at, according to Eldridge, will help you to find peace and purpose in this life.

There are some things about Eldrige’s philosophy that I appreciate.  It is true that the majority of men in churches are encouraged to be meek and mild, and the idea of a warrior God seems to fit in well much of historical literature.  Talking about men in their 20s, 30s, and 40s who seem to be stuck in a state of arrested development especially rung true for me.  He spoke at length on the role of fathers and grandfathers in the development as a man.  Much like Young, Eldredge did not have a healthy relationship with his father after a certain point.  He pointed the audience towards God as a father, so that a man can grow and mature with the best possible role model.  Now, how he can be sure he knows what God’s characteristics are, I don’t know.  Most of his beliefs were formed from the bible, so maybe that is my answer.

Now, I was especially privileged to experience both of these speakers with my own father.  Ten years ago, I got an email from my college roommate’s mother that my father had a heart attack and that my mother would try to call me as soon as possible.  The email was 10 hours old when I received it and I still had received no call from my mother.  The walk back to my dorm room was the longest of my life.  I was sure that my father was dead.  It took me several tries just to dial the touch tone phone, because my hands were shaking so bad.  When I spoke to my mother, she explained that things had been very hectic, but that my dad was ok and recovering well in the hospital.

Ever since that day, I’ve taken time with my dad as more of a gift than ever before.  He is a great father and he has inspired me to be a great father for my own children.  I don’t have the horrible stories of abuse or abandonment that the authors did.  That’s what I am happy with as I sit here with my dad in the other room, even now.  I have a GREAT dad.  I don’t need a crummy dad to rebel from and say “I will never grow up to be like him”.  I just have my dad that I can continue to learn from and grow from in a positive way.

Thanks dad!

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