As is often the case, one of my greatest strengths is also one of my greatest weaknesses. I typically tend to hold myself responsible for all of my actions and the circumstances and consequences that I find myself in. Most of the time, that is a strength. However, I also tend to believe that I have a lot more influence over those circumstances and consequences than I actually do. That’s the big weakness.

So my focus and my mantra for the day was “My family needs me…”

And I kept to it.

Ironically, I had an appointment to finalize my life insurance policy today. So in a literal, financial sense, I would even be able to take care of my family in case of my death.

I’m sure there is a nice joke in here somewhere, but I’m not really in the mood for it.

I gave my kids all the attention that I could bestow upon them. But even that wasn’t enough. Multiple times during the evening, one of my children would complain to me that I was giving too much attention to one of the other ones. It’s hard to win in a situation like that. The evening ended in tear-filled, sobbing, meltdowns for 2 of my 3 kids.

It would have been better for me to have taken the advice and wisdom of an anonymous commenter from yesterday, who said:

”Do what the moment requires and let go of expectations”.

There is a Christian platitude that says:

“Let go and let God”.

This seems to be the yin and the yang of being mindful. The choices are in my hands, but like with diet and hair restoration products, the actual results may vary.

I can choose to be loving and attentive to my child, but my child needs to be accepting and receptive of that love and attention.

Since we’re talking about wise quotes and platitudes, why not just throw out the Serenity Prayer as well?

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

My focus shall remain the same for tomorrow, and perhaps the results will be the same. But I won’t abdicate my responsibility for being the best father that I can, just because of a few hissyfits.

Not too long ago, whenever I would attempt to put a value on something (anything really), I would tack on the question: “Compared to what?” Without comparison, it’s difficult (if not impossible) to gage something’s value.

While today wasn’t a home run, it was much better than Day 5 of this fast, which just about pushed me to the limit. Similarly, both days started with an early morning networking meeting, but I made sure to keep the shower cool this time around. Curiously, I did still find myself glistening with sweat while shaking hands and giving my shpeel. So much for nerves of steel.

It’s not that I don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s just that I don’t come across as a raving fan about myself and what I do. This disconnect bothers me, because I truly believe that I am well-suited for this business, and I just want it to come through.

The concept that has been running through my mind all day is “having a narrow focus”. Through my marketing and networking efforts, I am alternately trying to win business in professionalism training, culture consultation, leadership coaching, and change management. Those are all related to each other, for sure, but they are also areas in which others can specialize (and often do), leaving me with a weaker value proposition based on my divided focus. I know that I need to pare things down, or find a simpler way to embrace all of those specialties together, I’m just afraid of what that might cost me if I make the wrong choice.

It’s becoming clear to me that this is also a metaphor for my own spiritual focus during my fast. Each day, I seem to take a different focus in my meditation. Some days it is my family, other days it is just my wife, and other days it can be my career, my attitude, or even the fast itself. It seems to change each day. I often look back at what was deficient in the previous day and look to improve on that. At the same time, I’ve learned from a number of wise people that one of the keys to success is to focus on your strengths (not weaknesses) and continue to improve them.

This all reminds me of one of my all-time favorite movies, City Slickers. This clip doesn’t even need a set up, just a warning about a single s-bomb. It’s only a 30-second clip.

Click here to view the embedded video.

I’ve been talking with my wife while writing this post. Maybe unsurprisingly, she had a very quick response to my query about what my paramount focus should be for the remainder of my fast: “be present with your family”.

As you may have guessed, I spend a lot of time “in my head”, thinking and pondering any number of things. When it was time to watch my son’s soccer practice today, I could barely keep my hands off of my iPhone. My daughters were literally begging me to kick a ball around with them, and I could hardly be bothered to give them any attention.

My youngest started to do literal cartwheels in front of me. I tried to snag a picture, but was never quick enough with my trigger finger. When I looked at the picture tonight, I felt as if I had captured something about her timeless essence in her eyes. She’s only three years old, but I can see a much older girl in this picture.

How much longer will she want to play with me? How much longer will she beg for my attention? What do I have to lose by putting my family as my sole focus, and letting everything else fall where it may?

I’m pretty sure I know the answers to all of these questions. Now it’s time for me to live like I believe those answers.

While I don’t believe in lucky numbers, 17 happens to be my favorite number. Tomorrow may hold something special for me.

I haven’t solidified my mantra yet, but I’m pretty solid on how it begins.

“My family needs me…

The best way to describe today is “up and down”. My energy level was all over the place. After a nice breakfast and a couple of bottles of water, I greeted the sun in my living room in the full lotus position. Sadly, I can only hold the full lotus position for about 15-20 seconds at a time. It doesn’t exactly allow for extended meditation, but I have faith that these baby steps will get me closer to being able to sustain this position for much longer.

What I look like at 5:51 in the morning.

After that, it was back to bed.

My wife is back to work this week, and I am kind of Mr. Mommin’ it for the next several days. I’ve struggled with these days for much of my professional life. I just feel so utterly unproductive when I’m not talking with someone, reading something, preparing a seminar, or being otherwise engaged as a consultant (whatever that means).

However, a big part of the reason that I am in such an unstructured line of work is to have opportunities like this to spend time with my kids. It’s sad how often I see them as a hindrance to my productivity, instead of the purpose of my bread-winning. My thoughts today were on being calm and even-tempered with my children. My fuse has been unnecessarily short with them (and my wife) lately, and I intend to use this fast to help focus on the type of behavior that I intend to have with my family.

Around 2pm, I was feeling pretty good. I wasn’t cotton-mouthed, my stomach was only rumbling slightly, and my kids were enjoying the tales of Marty McFly in the first Back to the Future.

At 4pm, I was ready for the water that I had written about only yesterday. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Perhaps. I just know that it was tough to think about going another four hours without a drink.

By 6pm, I had some energy again, and it really felt like I was coming into the homestretch by 6:30. But, when I realized that I was watching the clock, and not really being present in any other activity, I knew I needed to change my mind.

This wasn’t some silly task that I needed to check off of a list. This wasn’t a mandate for me to remain in good standing with my Creator. This was something that I chose to do. This was something that I wanted to do. Clock watching is the exact opposite of being in the flow.

I started to notice my state of mind more. Things felt sharper, but in a good way. I felt as if a light fog had been lifted from my perception. Things slowed down for me to appreciate them more fully. I wasn’t in bullet time, but I did feel like I had removed myself from some sort of matrix for a bit.

In the end, my family waited up for me to celebrate together at 8:01pm, at the Texas Roadhouse. I definitely over-did it at dinner. Time will tell if I will pay for that tomorrow. For now, I am drinking water and preparing my mind for tomorrow. More of the same on my schedule, but with one big hurdle out of the way.

I now know that I can do this.

Better yet… I believe it.

As I have shared before, one of the joys of parenting, in my opinion, is exposing my children to movies from my childhood and watching to see if they are filled with the same joy and wonder that I experienced as a child.  It’s self-serving and silly, but mostly harmless in the end (I hope).  But with a majority of my own life lessons coming from films, can you blame me?

At this point in my life, if you were to ask for me to give you my favorite movie, it would have to be The Karate Kid.  It was released in 1984, spawned two sequels (three if you believe the rumors that Hilary Swank starred in anything before Boys Don’t Cry).  It has also minted a handful of pop culture currencies that have been spent all over the world.  ”Wax on, wax off” anyone?

Truth be told, I don’t adore the film for the overarching themes of resilience, multi-generational friendship,  or overcoming difficult odds with the help of a mentor.  I mean, those are all good and fine.  But it’s the subtleties of the story, characters, music, images, and contradictions that really endear me to this movie.

Who is the bad guy?

Without a doubt, my favorite contradiction is the purportedly evil bully, Johnny Lawrence, ex-boyfriend of Ali, and student leader of the Cobra Kai.  When you ask people to identify the “bad guy” from The Karate Kid, most people will effortlessly come up with “Johnny” in response.  After all, he is Ali’s ex-boyfriend.  He’s the one who shows Daniel “no mercy” on the beach.  He’s the one whom Daniel faces off with in the climactic crane-kick scene.  He’s got to be the bad guy, right?

Let’s look at it more closely.  These may be details that you pick up on after the 20th viewing, or the 200th, I’m not sure.  Either way, they aren’t quickly apparent on your first viewing of the film.

Who’s for a warm one?

At 11:11 into the movie, a group of teenage boys pulls up on their dirt bikes and one of them shouts out a jubilant cry of “That was awesome!” This is our introduction to Johnny and his oh so cool black headband engaged and ready for action.  A bunch of guys riding around on their last day of freedom for a while, the last day of summer.  Everyone is having a good time, so now that we are far enough from our parents’ houses…. let’s drink some beer!

One of the boys (Tommy) calls out: “Who’s for a warm one?” (putting the can in Johnny’s chest) “Here you go.”

Johnny declines.

One of his friends mocks Johnny’s resistance and asks “Who are you kidding Johnny?  You’re still the ace degenerate!”

“No, ex-degenerate man.  8AM tomorrow, I’m a senior.  I’ve got one year to make it all work, and that’s what I’m gonna do… make it work.  All of it!”

Undeterred in his quest to mix things up tonight, Tommy points out Johhny’s ex-girlfriend playing a cute game of soccer on the beach with some new kid.  She’s having a good time.  She’s doesn’t seem nearly as broken up about the break up as he has been feeling.  When one of the boys tries to confirm that they did break up, Tommy replies “She did, he didn’t.”  Johnny still has some unanswered questions.  He decides that he wants to talk about them now.

Helmet on, conflict metaphor invoked.

Let’s Talk

When Johnny rides down to Ali, Daniel is away, shagging an errant kick.

Johnny asks Ali if they can talk.

She refuses.

He asks again.

She tells him to take his Cobra Kai friends and “get outta here!”

She turns on her boombox to show that she is not in the mood to talk.

Johnny grabs it and incredulously says “Yeah, and that’s gonna solve everything!”

Finally, Johnny negotiates a deal where he will give her back her boombox if they can go talk.

Ali agrees.

When Ali gets her boombox back, she defiantly cranks up the radio so she won’t have to hear anything Johnny says.

Johnny takes the radio and slams it on the ground.

You probably remember how it all goes from here.  Daniel steps in, Johnny tells him to stay away, Daniel ignores him, Johnny opens up a can of whoop-ass on him.

What about you?

If you were in Johnny’s shoes, would you have acted differently?  How much can you blame him for what went down with Daniel?  What do you think?

Sure, once he reached his tipping point, throwing the boombox on the ground was clearly crossing the line.  But before that moment, can you empathize with Johnny at all?

More on Johnny later….

My son and I at a community service project last Fall.

This morning, while sitting at the kitchen table, the question that I had expected my son to eventually ask me, was finally asked. After taking the self-applied clip-on tie off of his undershirt, buttoning his top button, and correctly reseting the tie, he looked at me and said:

“Daddy, why don’t you go to church with us?”

Kim happened to be walking down the hall, but she heard the question and raised her eyebrows at me as if to say “He’s your son!” She realized that this was going to be a man to man conversation, and continued to the bathroom to prepare herself for the upcoming church service.

I looked into my son’s earnest eyes, and contemplated his even more earnest question. As many parents do, I weighed the merits of a short answer that would stop his questioning (but be less than truthful), against a more truthful answer than might take a series of answers and explanations about things that he might have trouble wrapping his mind around. Today, I chose to give him the more honest answer.

I told him that it was because of my beliefs. Although the church and I share some of the same beliefs about living a moral life, we differ on so much more. The main difference, as I told my son, was the church’s view of the other, the outsider, the adherent of another faith, and/or the unrepentant sinner. This church (like many others) believes that after death, certain people will end up in some sort of hell. For most of my life, I have believed the same. But in the past few years, for a variety of reasons, I no longer do.

Before explaining anything else to him, I let him know that despite his desire to be just like me in so many ways, his beliefs would have to be his own. Whether my words of explanation will have any more influence on him than my actions, only time will tell. But, I wanted to express to him how personal everyone’s beliefs are, and how they should have some measure of respect.

After describing hell as a place where people were sad and crying for ever and ever, and where God could not/would not ever see them or rescue them, my son replied that he did not want to ever go there. I told him that some people believe that the population of hell is made up of people who deserve to be there. I shared with him my belief in a God who would not create someone who would eventually end up in hell. In fact, I read a great quote in a book by Samir Selmanovic just yesterday:

“I have become convinced that a God who favors me over others is not worth worshipping.”

In the end, my son walked away with a couple of new thoughts about God and hell, and an apparently sufficient answer about why daddy wasn’t going to church.

Really, I just can’t wrap my head around the belief that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and at the same time that God is the creator of this mess that falls short of Him. If God is responsible for the situations in our life that lead us to make choices, then He is also somewhat responsible for those choices. If He is not responsible for those situations, then everything is just chance and chaos. God cannot judge our actions justly if we are all playing with different pieces on often vastly different game boards.

I’m sure that I could say more about this, but I’ll save it for another time.

Not believing in hell is just a stone’s throw away from not believing in “sin”.  In light of my Christian upbringing, this is a belief that challenges much of what is commonly understood about the purpose and nature of Jesus, the namesake of Christianity. If there is no hell, and there is no sin, then what was Jesus all about? If he was just a great moral teacher, and not God incarnate, then this changes everything. Depending on what criteria you use to classify a Christian, then you may not consider me one anymore. To be honest, I myself often wonder if I should claim that for myself anymore.

I feel like I’m a sort of religious no man’s land. Where I’m going to end up is unclear (pun intended). I just know where I don’t want to be:  In a place where God loves me (enough to give me life in heaven) more than he loves other people (so little that He lets them die in hell). If you’ve found some place where I could find myself more at home, please let me know.

With such a high profile tournament, television production companies often highlight stories of human interest among teams, players, fans, or locations.  ESPN might have chosen to profile Enke and the tragedy of losing his 2-year-old daughter in 2006.  Her rare heart condition ended up taking her life, and breaking Robert’s heart as well.  Even with an outpouring of support from friends and fans all around him, Robert became mired in a deep depression.

While you can never replace an individual human’s life with another, Robert and his wife Theresa began the process of adopting a new daughter in 2008.  But even caring for his new daughter, Leila, could not replace the growing hole in his heart as he replayed the death of his first daughter, Lara, over and over again in his mind.

On Tuesday, November 10, Robert stepped in front of a train with the intention of ending his life.  Tragically, he was successful.  Through his suicide note, his wife, and his psychiatrist, we now know that it was a fear of losing Leila that motivated his act.

If you believe that we move toward and become like that which we think about, then it may make sense to you that Robert Enke could not shake his daughter’s death from his life.  Even if it seems incomprehensible that someone could take himself away from his daughter by suicide, in an attempt to prevent his daughter from being taken away from him, that was likely a part of his thought process.

His depression was deep, but it was a secret.  Enke believed that It was keeping this secret that kept his new daughter from being taken from him.  If the adoption organization were to know about his depression, perhaps they would take Leila away.  Knowing the thread he hung on by after Lara’s death, another lost child would do him in.  So even on the precipice of his greatest soccer glory, his future seemed uncertain and dreadful.

Perhaps that is why he traded in his tomorrows for the relief of no longer thinking about the pain of loss.  It’s a shame.  Hopefully his story will reach those living with depression and encourage them to reach out, even at the risk of social or professional peril.

For now, it is time to heal.

Easy tiger...

How you feel about Jon Gosselin is probably going to depend a lot on what you have personally experienced in your own life, or how you value stories of failure and redemption.  If you’ve led a morally upright life, and you tend to only value failure if it is soon followed by redemption, you may have little to no sympathy for Jon Gosselin and his bachelor-esque behaviors (while married) over the past several months.

This is especially difficult to swallow for those who revered him as a type of “super-dad” and loving husband who would sacrifice anything for his family.  Even if a divorce is a dance for two, he seems to have loaded up the jukebox with many more songs than Kate.  Their legal proceeding are becoming increasingly volatile and their relationship is strained to a microscopic level.  I’m sure that many may have the desire to remind Jon that he made this bed, and now it is time to sleep in it.

From doting father and submissive husband to jet-setting playboy with a cell phone filled with booty calls, Jon has shown clearly that he has a wild side.  But is that all that it is?  Is it just one side of his personality?  With his behavior over the last year seeming so different than what was known about him up until that time, the question on many people’s minds is:  ”Will the real Jon Gosselin please stand up?”

Lisa Respers France from CNN wrote a fantastic piece about Jon’s recent conversations and counseling with Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, who apparently is something of a celebrity spiritual advisor.  In the article, besides dispelling rumors that he was to be starting a new reality series with “Octomom” Nadya Suleman, Jon had some frank comments about his behavoir:

I am well aware that my behavior over the past few months has not always reflected my personal and religious values. I further accept that I have allowed myself to become somewhat severed from my own moral anchor and be carried away by the challenges of fame.

and:

It is my sincere desire to use the fame I have so unexpectedly acquired to highlight mature, responsible behavior as well as the joys of fatherhood and family.

and probably the most honest of them all:

I ask the public to please understand the challenges I face in living under constant public scrutiny, even as I am aware that I have at times courted that scrutiny.

Ok, so a level-headed Jon is issuing a mea culpa, with a promise to change the future in a positive way.  But does anyone care?  Over 60% of that CNN article’s readers polled believe that Kate should NOT forgive Jon.  There is a real belief in the minds of many people that some sort of penance must be undertaken before forgiveness should be entertained.  Perhaps those people are right.

But there are many that believe that blanket forgiveness is often undeserved, and punishment (or justice) is the best way to return to a balanced way of life.  In my own story, many people advised Kim to “make him (me) pay” and “make him (me) work for your (her) love” during the beginning of our time of healing.  Our healing blossomed into a reconciliation, but that is not and should not be the only expected result of healing.  Peace is paramount.

Jon at a more innocent time

Past behaviors, both negative and positive, must be synthesized to arrive a current state of someone’s character appraisal.  Jon is neither a knight in shining armor nor a wild, partying, lust-monster.  At least, not fully.  They are two sides of his personality, and it’s likely not a 50/split.  We all act differently in different stages of our lives, and sometimes the pendulum swings wildly.

Human nature is not just about who we wish to be, it’s about who we are, which is evidenced by what we do.

The biblical story of the prodigal son has be retold in many different forms over the centuries.  I even participated in a reimagining of the story with cues taken from The Princess Bride while I was in college.  In my opinion, it’s a story that highlights three parts of human nature:

1. Personally testing the rules put in place by others for one’s own good, only to find out through much pain that they are true.  (The prodigal son)
2. Having love override all negative behaviors to bring about a restoration of peace, despite a lack of justice.  (The father)
3. Being frustrated and angry over a lack of justice and wanting a situation of “fairness” to exist.  (The brother)

I’ve felt all of these feelings at different times in my life.  Is the Gosselin saga an appropriate narrative to apply the principles of this parable?

I got on the Garth Brooks bandwagon late, after Chris Gaines and even after his retirement from touring.  Never one for country music, I had assumed that I would need a ten gallon hat or a ten pound belt-buckle in order to experience some toe-tapping, knee-slapping, or even heart-melting at the sound of his voice.  He finally got me good with the closing track of the Dennis Quaid/Jim Caviezel father/son movie Frequency in 2000.  I remember the sitting in the theater by myself, after all my friends had left, just profoundly moved by the words and music that I was listening to.  Here is video on Youtube that someone put together with the song and some pictures of inspiration:

Click here to view the embedded video.

It’s not that I wasn’t aware of Garth’s popularity.  Kim had always made it very clear to me that he was a superstar, and not just in the world of country music.  In fact, he has sold more records than any other solo-artist in history.  That’s no small feat for a singer who’s genre is often included in statements like “I like all kinds of music, except for ________.”

Las Vegas is not exactly a hotbed for country music.  How many young banjo pickers head to Sin City for a shot to play for the throngs of country music fans there?  To get signed to play in Vegas for five years, you must transcend the genre.  Garth Brooks seems to do just that.

So, what does he have that makes him so relatable, connectable, personable, and charming?  Maybe if we knew his secret, he would cease to be what he has come to be for so many people: a real icon.

Real is the best word that I can think of to describe this guy.  He’s been married, had three kids, divorced, remarried, and still lives on a ranch in Oklahoma, instead of a penthouse in New York.  It could be due to the fact that he reached the pinnacle of music greatness, but he’s much more concerned about being a good father than being the king of country music (or anything else for that matter).  But even through his rise to fame, he’s still come across as real.  He’s made plenty of mistakes, and he’s owned up to nearly all of them.

In fact, his Chris Gaines alter-ego failed to launch precisely because it did not seem real enough.  Sure, the pseudo-goth look and the VH1 Behind the Music episode all seemed plausible for a normal star, but just not Garth.  Garth Brooks doesn’t pretend.  At least, that’s what his fans all believe.  For a guy who can sell out five concerts at the Staples Center in L.A. in less than an hour, it was largely considered a failure.  Being released ten years ago, which was ten years after his debut album in 1989, I wonder how the The Life Of Chris Gaines album has aged over this past decade.

With all of that said, it really seems that Garth Brooks has a hold on some sort of thread that connects him to humanity more than someone like Kanye West, at least at this point in Kanye’s career.  It has to be more than his “Aw shucks” humility, although that seems to be part of it.  Perhaps he just knows that he really isn’t substantively different than anyone else in this world.  Just luckier, maybe.  For a guy who can basically print money for charities, by performing a concert or five, that’s a great thing for all of us.

It remains to be seen if Garth can reignite the media fire that he has been standing outside of for so long (sorry, I couldn’t resist), but I’m ready to be on board this time.

Click here to view the embedded video.

It’s hard to know what Jon really wants out of all of this.  Even though this is a video interview, and we are actually getting our information “from the horse’s mouth”, it still feels less than genuine.  You can almost see his lawyer’s hand reach into Jon’s back and making his lips move.  I smirked when his lawyer could not even remember the name of the show.  You’ve got to wonder how many times Larry King has watched the show himself.

It was surprising that his lawyer didn’t slap Mr. Jon Gosselin when he paused after being asked about how much money he made last year.  It’s responses like that (implying that he does not make enough money) that make you want to throw up.  But he does sprinkle in some other commentary that makes you want to pat him on the back.  Taking responsibility for his actions is a positive step.  There are many people who will never admit to a mistake.  I appreciate his honesty in sharing that.

I believe him when he says that he’s had an epiphany and that he cares for the welfare of his children.  It’s harder to believe that he told the TLC that he wanted to quit a long time ago for the sake of his children.  Especially with quotes like this from Kate from a corresponding CNN.com article saying she was:

“saddened and confused by Jon’s public media statements.”

and

“Jon has never expressed any concerns to me about our children being involved in the show and, in fact, is on the record as saying he believes the show benefits our children and was taping on Friday with the kids.”

It’s tough to see these two parents, who used to share a bed together, having to communicate to each other through media outlets and press releases.

A lot of anti-Jon sentiments have been put forth about about his recent playboy lifestyle and his womanizing ways, calling him a loser, a cheater, and a poser.  If his latest feelings are to be believed, (that he regrets his behavior, made mistakes, and wants to befriend Kate and work out his marriage), will people forgive him?

Many of the negative comments about Jon that I have heard have added a prescription for what he “should” be doing.  Namely, stop production of the show, stop all of the high profile womanizing, and work out a situation for his family that is in the best interest of his children.  If he indeed does this, will those same people support him?

Are comments of criticism meant to redeem Jon into some sort of redemptive behavior?  Or are they just mean-spirited and judgement, and a way to feel better about oneself for not experiencing the same moral failures?  Basically, will the public shackle Jon to his past?  Or will they support him into the future as he exemplifies approved behavior?  What do you think?