On a much more somber note, Jon and Kate plus 8 aired it’s final episode.  Part of me is relieved that some sort of conclusion has been reached in this saga.  There will always be some sort of celebrity status attached to this family, but unless they begin a new show or other endeavor into the entertainment world, the “new” normal that is coming may look more like the “old” normal that the Gosselins enjoyed before the show.

The biggest difference that I noticed in this episode was the behavior and attitudes of the older twin girls, Maddie and Kara.  The show starts with a daddy day.  The kids are all together with Jon, at the house, and they decide to put together a lemonade stand to raise money for the local fire department.  Tensions between the girls are high, which happens with siblings a lot in normal situations where tools (markers in this case) need to be shared.

In a moment of frustration, Maddie says “I like stuff we do with Mommy.”  Of course this doesn’t sit well with Jon, and he immediately banishes her from the project, with a pledge to throw her poster in the trash after she asks him not to finish it for her.  Just for good measure, Jon halts Kara’s progress on her poster and sends her inside as well.  The girls are left in tears, while Jon is able to bask in the glory of not being the easy-going, push-over dad of the past umpteen similar incidents with his children.  It seems that he is trying to “be” Kate in the increasingly frequent situations where she is not present.  Sadly, the girls are at school for the mommy day outing in the second half of the episode and are not seen or heard from again.

Its the moment that every divorced parent fears and tries to be prepared for: when the kids start playing the parents against each other, realizing that they are no longer on the same team.  Kate later laments her situation as a single parent by stating that Jon is no longer her teammate.  Its was a tough scene to watch, and even tougher to have as the last taste in my mouth of Maddie and Kara.  I’m hopeful that things have progressed with their relationships together, but there is no longer the promise of a future episode to experience this progression as a viewer.

Unlike with LOST (I hope), the ending of Jon and Kate Plus 8 does not tie up all of the loose ends.  Most likely, this is still very much the beginning of their journey as a family, albeit a fractured one.  Jon’s admission of fault for most of the downfall of his marriage is refreshing, but probably stings of “too little, too late”.  Kate seemed disappointingly focused on how depressing losing the show was for the kids, and much less on how their relationship with their father has changed.  Maybe this is too negative of a way to look at it all.  With plenty of knots to untie, there will be plenty of growth to be had for both of these parents.  I’m probably just jealous that I can no longer experience some of this growth vicariously.

I can’t say I know what it is like to be the parent of multiples.  I met with a new friend this week who has four 2-year-old children.  He shared with me the negative looks and disparaging remarks that his family has received since the Jon and Kate backlash began earlier this past summer.  I had a separate conversation today with a different friend about a view his counselor shared with him about the “selfishness” of having children.  The counselor is not a parent himself.  Both of these friends shared the same sentiment:

“You just don’t know until you’ve walked in my shoes.”

It’s probably the drum that I will bang over and over again as I hear criticism and judgement with little compassion or understanding offered.  Discipline, punishment, castigation, judgement, and the like are only useful as tools on a path of change, growth, and redemption.  Jon and Kate have received a lot of it over the past year.  Will it help to propel them to such change, growth, and redemption?  Listening to Jon’s final session on the couch…. maybe so.

Easy tiger...

How you feel about Jon Gosselin is probably going to depend a lot on what you have personally experienced in your own life, or how you value stories of failure and redemption.  If you’ve led a morally upright life, and you tend to only value failure if it is soon followed by redemption, you may have little to no sympathy for Jon Gosselin and his bachelor-esque behaviors (while married) over the past several months.

This is especially difficult to swallow for those who revered him as a type of “super-dad” and loving husband who would sacrifice anything for his family.  Even if a divorce is a dance for two, he seems to have loaded up the jukebox with many more songs than Kate.  Their legal proceeding are becoming increasingly volatile and their relationship is strained to a microscopic level.  I’m sure that many may have the desire to remind Jon that he made this bed, and now it is time to sleep in it.

From doting father and submissive husband to jet-setting playboy with a cell phone filled with booty calls, Jon has shown clearly that he has a wild side.  But is that all that it is?  Is it just one side of his personality?  With his behavior over the last year seeming so different than what was known about him up until that time, the question on many people’s minds is:  ”Will the real Jon Gosselin please stand up?”

Lisa Respers France from CNN wrote a fantastic piece about Jon’s recent conversations and counseling with Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, who apparently is something of a celebrity spiritual advisor.  In the article, besides dispelling rumors that he was to be starting a new reality series with “Octomom” Nadya Suleman, Jon had some frank comments about his behavoir:

I am well aware that my behavior over the past few months has not always reflected my personal and religious values. I further accept that I have allowed myself to become somewhat severed from my own moral anchor and be carried away by the challenges of fame.

and:

It is my sincere desire to use the fame I have so unexpectedly acquired to highlight mature, responsible behavior as well as the joys of fatherhood and family.

and probably the most honest of them all:

I ask the public to please understand the challenges I face in living under constant public scrutiny, even as I am aware that I have at times courted that scrutiny.

Ok, so a level-headed Jon is issuing a mea culpa, with a promise to change the future in a positive way.  But does anyone care?  Over 60% of that CNN article’s readers polled believe that Kate should NOT forgive Jon.  There is a real belief in the minds of many people that some sort of penance must be undertaken before forgiveness should be entertained.  Perhaps those people are right.

But there are many that believe that blanket forgiveness is often undeserved, and punishment (or justice) is the best way to return to a balanced way of life.  In my own story, many people advised Kim to “make him (me) pay” and “make him (me) work for your (her) love” during the beginning of our time of healing.  Our healing blossomed into a reconciliation, but that is not and should not be the only expected result of healing.  Peace is paramount.

Jon at a more innocent time

Past behaviors, both negative and positive, must be synthesized to arrive a current state of someone’s character appraisal.  Jon is neither a knight in shining armor nor a wild, partying, lust-monster.  At least, not fully.  They are two sides of his personality, and it’s likely not a 50/split.  We all act differently in different stages of our lives, and sometimes the pendulum swings wildly.

Human nature is not just about who we wish to be, it’s about who we are, which is evidenced by what we do.

The biblical story of the prodigal son has be retold in many different forms over the centuries.  I even participated in a reimagining of the story with cues taken from The Princess Bride while I was in college.  In my opinion, it’s a story that highlights three parts of human nature:

1. Personally testing the rules put in place by others for one’s own good, only to find out through much pain that they are true.  (The prodigal son)
2. Having love override all negative behaviors to bring about a restoration of peace, despite a lack of justice.  (The father)
3. Being frustrated and angry over a lack of justice and wanting a situation of “fairness” to exist.  (The brother)

I’ve felt all of these feelings at different times in my life.  Is the Gosselin saga an appropriate narrative to apply the principles of this parable?

Click here to view the embedded video.

This CNN.com article tells more about the details of the extortion attempt, and the 15 years in prison that the suspect, Robert “Joe” Halderman, is facing if convicted.  It also speaks of the crowd’s response to his apology, which is what I would like to discuss here.

The overall sentiment of the audience seemed to be one of compassion and forgiveness.  There was only one quote in the article.  But judging by the crowd’s reaction to his comments, it seemed to be indicative of most present:

You could tell he’d been though a difficult situation and that he was sorry that he hurt other people, but he was also able to keep it funny, throw humor into it, too.

Now it may be too early too early to start judging this, but it is currently fresh in a lot of our minds.  Since the story just broke last week, it is interesting how quickly the public has been willing and able to forgive Letterman his transgressions.  It flies in the face of the adage:  ”Time heals all wounds”.

In the last week, we have talked about Roman Polanski, Jon Gosselin, and now David Letterman.  Three different men, with three different circumstances with females, and three different public responses.

Other than from his own peers, most of the public opinion (and some Hollywood opinion apparently) on Polanski is that he is guilty and should not be shown any leniency because of his age, celebrity, or citizenship status.  While his behavior violated a trust between two people, it also violated our laws to protect children, and the public outrage may be louder due the clear process of investigation and possible punishment that he is avoiding.  Still, the fact that Polanski fled the country and the situation did not garner much support then, and it would not now either.

Jon Gosselin’s affairs have been blasted on the front of nearly every celebrity magazine and website that exists over the last 9 months.  Whether he thought his private indiscretions would stay private, or if he was banking on the goodwill he gained as a “Super-dad” of 8 kids to counterbalance his actions, it’s pretty clear that he was wrong.  Although he made a half-hearted apology, public opinion on Mr. Gosselin is still decidedly against him.  He still hasn’t fully owned up to his actions, and forgiveness has not been offered in lieu of that.

David Letterman took a direct path to reconciliation and forgiveness, by taking responsibility for his actions.  Even the attorney for Mr. Halderman noted how quickly Letterman addressed this, saying:

He wanted to get out ahead of the story and that’s exactly what he did.

Whether it was an attempt to get ahead of the story or a sincere mea culpa, the effect is hard to dispute:  people value the truth.  When you are honest about your behavior, even if it is offensive, you are more likely to be accepted and forgiven by your peers or your society.  Well, unless you are not believed or trusted.  That’s another story altogether.

Thoughts?

The clip below may bring about a mix of emotions for you, depending on which way you lean in the ever growing saga.  Check it out:

First, the comical.

Kate mentions that she had earlier set aside $100,000 so that she could buy food for her kids.  Now I know that they have stepped up a few notches on the socioeconomic ladder, but with that kind of money, she could feed those kids surf and turf  through the rest of Obama’s term!  Or at least as long as it takes for this story to die down in the media.  (On a side note, its funny how people comment on their desire for this story to go away, but keep clicking, commenting, and tuning in to media outlets that report on it.  It’s interesting to enough people.  It’s probably time to get over it.)

Next, the perplexing.

Kate expressed outrage and disappointment in Jon’s behavior, while admitting to the very same behavior earlier, saying:

At some point, I removed it (the money) to keep it safe on the suggestion of my lawyer.

What?!?!?!  Didn’t she just say that she was upset with him for doing the same thing?  Why did she take it upon herself to make decisions for the family financially and not see anything wrong with that?  I understand that she has had A LOT of difficulty reaching Jon for answers to financial questions, but can she really be that upset at something she has set the precedent for?

Finally, the saddening.

Really, the common thread from this interview to Jon’s is that these two people rarely talk anymore.  I don’t think that can be overstated here.  Both of them are making HUGE decisions without an understanding of the other’s thoughts, feelings, or goals.

It’s like you dribbling a ball down a basketball court, having your opponent take the ball from you, kick it over the basket, and raise his hands in victory.  He/she may look like an idiot to you, but by the roar of many in the crowd (along with the dumfounded look on the faces of others), its obvious that not everyone is playing the same game.

Kate’s statement about being the bearer of “truth” and “reality” still shows a sense of “perception arrogance” on her part.  We are all guilty of it, but her repeated chorus of “This is not my opinion, this is the truth” makes compromise impossible.  Just because she (or Jon, or anyone else for that matter) sees something a certain way, does not make that “truth”.

It does appear that the kids love the show and are devastated by the threat of it’s stoppage.  Again, we can only attempt to judge what we can perceive.  What have you noticed about the kids interaction with the camera and crew of the “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ show?

Is this media circus the only way Jon and Kate are communicating with each other?  Through third parties?  Not everyone can reach out to Meredith Vieira in order to communicate to/about their estranged spouse.  Nor Larry King.  Perhaps that is a good thing for the rest of us.

What is it going to take to get these two people in a room and have some meaningful, honest, respectful communication?  What is going to happen next?

Click here to view the embedded video.

It’s hard to know what Jon really wants out of all of this.  Even though this is a video interview, and we are actually getting our information “from the horse’s mouth”, it still feels less than genuine.  You can almost see his lawyer’s hand reach into Jon’s back and making his lips move.  I smirked when his lawyer could not even remember the name of the show.  You’ve got to wonder how many times Larry King has watched the show himself.

It was surprising that his lawyer didn’t slap Mr. Jon Gosselin when he paused after being asked about how much money he made last year.  It’s responses like that (implying that he does not make enough money) that make you want to throw up.  But he does sprinkle in some other commentary that makes you want to pat him on the back.  Taking responsibility for his actions is a positive step.  There are many people who will never admit to a mistake.  I appreciate his honesty in sharing that.

I believe him when he says that he’s had an epiphany and that he cares for the welfare of his children.  It’s harder to believe that he told the TLC that he wanted to quit a long time ago for the sake of his children.  Especially with quotes like this from Kate from a corresponding CNN.com article saying she was:

“saddened and confused by Jon’s public media statements.”

and

“Jon has never expressed any concerns to me about our children being involved in the show and, in fact, is on the record as saying he believes the show benefits our children and was taping on Friday with the kids.”

It’s tough to see these two parents, who used to share a bed together, having to communicate to each other through media outlets and press releases.

A lot of anti-Jon sentiments have been put forth about about his recent playboy lifestyle and his womanizing ways, calling him a loser, a cheater, and a poser.  If his latest feelings are to be believed, (that he regrets his behavior, made mistakes, and wants to befriend Kate and work out his marriage), will people forgive him?

Many of the negative comments about Jon that I have heard have added a prescription for what he “should” be doing.  Namely, stop production of the show, stop all of the high profile womanizing, and work out a situation for his family that is in the best interest of his children.  If he indeed does this, will those same people support him?

Are comments of criticism meant to redeem Jon into some sort of redemptive behavior?  Or are they just mean-spirited and judgement, and a way to feel better about oneself for not experiencing the same moral failures?  Basically, will the public shackle Jon to his past?  Or will they support him into the future as he exemplifies approved behavior?  What do you think?

Yup.  It’s official.  In an ironic twist of fate to those who have watched Jon drop the ball with his family, Jon Gosselin’s name has now been dropped from the show that he began with his wife and children just a few short years ago.  According to this CNN.com article, the new show will start on November 2, and will be called “Kate Plus 8″.  Oddly enough, TLC and Mr. Gosselin will maintain their “exclusive relationship”, for whatever that’s worth.

I’ve followed this story on my blog for a while, for two main reasons:

First, it was one of the top shows in my DVR stable, only subordinate to LOST.  We had never missed an episode, and I had a genuine rooting interest in their family, just from watching them grow from the comfort of our living room.

Second, I myself have gone through and continue to go through some of the same emotions and actions (including infidelity and divorce) that Jon is in the midst of at this time.  We both were deeply wrapped up in Christian communities where divorce is a sin of the highest order, and marriage is forever, is forever, is forever.  Happiness is at least secondary to commitment, if it is even in the top ten virtues of that sub-culture.  In this way, I felt much closer to Jon because of our kinship in seeking freedom from what seemed to be an oppressive situation: ie marriage.

Kate Gosselin is a strong woman.  This much is clear.  She has handled the situation with a good measure of class and composure, even admitting to some moments of despondence during this ordeal.  She has always been open about her flaws, even being willing to show her post-pregnancy belly on national TV before she was anything close to famous.

Jon, it seems has taken a different turn.  While the news of the demise of their marriage was fresh, many men (and women) wondered why it hadn’t happened sooner.  For all of her good qualities, Kate had a knack of putting Jon down, questioning his parenting skills, and generally treating him like a child.  And all of this on national television and (perhaps more painfully) in front of their children.  You could hardly contain Jon’s smile in the moments of freedom that he experienced on the show.  He seemed to begrudge his commitment to Kate and the effect it was having on his own personal freedom.

But, since their story has become a top headline around the gossip columns and the water coolers, he is much less “devoted dad” and much more “deluded douche-bag”.  Having several girlfriends at once is not admirable, in my opinion, and sleeping with anyone who will have you (including the babysitter and the nanny) sounds more like bondage than emancipation to me.

The truth is, anything can become a ball and chain in our lives, not just the lovely woman that you got on your knee and promised the world to.

I honestly hope for the best for Jon and Kate, and that does not necessarily mean reconciliation.  I was (and continue to be) fortunate enough to have a woman love so deeply and so truly, that my redemption and forgiveness is at hand, even now.  According to the state, we are divorced.  But to those who know and love us, they see what we have been working towards over the last few months.  A reacquisition of the love we had feared lost, and a bright future where dragons are slay-able and mountains are conquerable.

Thank God for my lovely partner and the power in all of us to change our mind.

I thoroughly enjoyed a small headline about Jon Gosselin’s officially being branded as a douche-bag.  Not the classiest title, but if the shoe fits….

I know a thing or two about being a douche-bag myself, which is why I’ve been so attached to the story.  I understand that it is not news to everyone, but as their world turns, my breath is baited.  Interestingly enough, when I write about this topic, my web traffic nearly triples . Every time.  So, I’m not alone in wanting to know more about this evolving family crisis.  Either that, or there are a decent amount of voyeurs out there that want to know what’s going on in my own personal soap opera and understand that I share a lot here.  For everyone…. here we go:

If you missed the episode, you can watch a quick recap that is less than two minutes…here.  Then the title of this article might make more sense.

I am really coming to love the new Kate.  Now, I don’t know if this is a permanent change, or how a change can even be calibrated, but there is definitely something different about the formerly self described “indoor girl” Kate who (in Monday’s episode) rode horses and let her kids play with animal carcasses in a mountain lion’s cave.  She talked a bit about the freedom from the paparazzi that she enjoyed, but it really felt like it was more than that.  There seemed to be something profoundly new going on in her mind and soul.

Fans of the show and the recent saga may know that Jon likes fast things.  Motorcycles, downhill skiing, and girlfriends (Did you see how fast he dated and broke up with Kate Major?  Her interview in the New York Daily News doesn’t paint the best picture of him.  At least he moved up to dirt-bag from from the other kind of bag.)  Now that she is sans-Jon, Kate is riding around on quads and shooting guns?  Whether she is trying to attract her former husband or trying to show him that she is capable of much more than she had previously shown him, it is fascinating to me.  I wonder if she is consciously considering what his reaction might be.  Perhaps she is just experiencing growth from all of the self-reflection that she has been doing lately.

During my separation from Kim, we would talk about our future lives apart from each other and how our new relationships would differ.  She painted a vivid picture of a new and improved Kim that had grown immeasurably from the failures of our relationship.  With no one to limit her potential but herself, she threw herself headlong into developing herself into the best version of Kim that she could be.  Of course, this is always we want for our partners, and I was no exception.  But we sometimes find ways to stifle that growth with our good intentions and arrogant claims of enlightenment on their behalf.

As Kim and I watched the episode together, I asked her if she would ever ride a horse.  She also knows all of the lines to the musical: “Inside Girl”.  Unflinchingly and lovingly, she said:  ”I would for you.”  Then she blushed and turned away before I could tease her about her answer, but her point was clear.  And I believed her.

As Kate settled into her Wrangler jeans in Wyoming, Jon spent some time with his girls back in Pennsylvania, and ended up in a dress.  It wasn’t the result of too much estrogen in his life, although that may come a decade from now when he has 5 teenage daughters.  We finally got to see Jon back in the role that so many of us fell in love with him in.  Normal dad.  Helping his kids with crafts.  Doing a scavenger hunt around the yard.  Wearing a dress to help support a living room concert for his oldest daughters.  In a way, he was back.

But in another way, it seemed totally different.  Forced.  Distracted.  Divided.  His heart was not all in one place.  Perhaps it wasn’t even in one piece.

The first episode of the show that we ever saw was a few years back when the kids made their first trip to the dentist.  With Kim’s desire to be a pediatric dental hygienist, and our own son about the same age as their sextuplets, we were quickly reeled in to their family.  Within a few weeks, we had caught up on all of the re-runs and scheduled their show into the upper echelon of our DVR priority list.  Only a new episode of LOST could bump them from being recorded, and fortunately it never happened.  We were hooked.

We admired their strength and poise in going through the challenging experience of taking a child to the dentist for the first time.  We wondered whether or not we could do it with SIX kids under 4 years old.  We looked at each other knowingly when they would snap at each other in a moment of frustration and believed that we were watching real people in a real situation exacerbated by having sextuplets rather than one or two children.  Last night, Jon took the girls back to the dentist, and a lot of great memories flooded back for me.

But the changes with Jon were still apparent.  He used to provide some comic relief to frustrating situations.  He would keep Kate balanced and mellow out some of her sharper edges.  Now, his time spent with his kids feels like something that he HAS to do, and that he can’t wait to get back to his single life in New York and do what he really WANTS to do.  Of course, I’m just speculating and I’m more than a little bit aware of my own perception’s influence on those speculations.

As for us, our family is nearly restored to the state where we were last summer.  Not the state of Arizona, but the state of living together under the same roof.  Our love and respect for each other has grown immensely, and we have seen how much our love can be stretched without breaking completely.  Though some people won’t be happy with our decision to cohabitate without an official recognition of marriage by the state, we’ve spent too much of our lives trying to live up to other people’s standards, even when we don’t hold them ourselves.

Not having a clear understanding of our own beliefs and goals helped to break apart our union before.  We are currently working on a written family statement like a “vision statement”, as corny as that sounds.  Its something that we will always be able to refer to in times of distress or pain.  We will always love each other, and we know that in our minds and hearts.  We also know that we won’t always FEEL that love every minute of the day.  For the times when our feelings fail us, we will still know what we believe to be true about each other.

Kate seems to be growing from the inside out.  Jon seems to be reacting to whatever feels good at the moment, a more “outside-in” method of facing life.  Time will tell who the wiser Gosselin might be.

“Responding to reports of infidelities, Kate Gosselin from the reality show Jon and Kate Plus 8, denied that she and her husband were splitting up. Though it is interesting that TLC has two shows on its fall schedule entitled “Jon Plus 4″ and ‘Kate Plus 4.’”

I didn’t believe it at the time, but his words seem strangely prophetic in light of what the family and show are facing now.  Jon and Kate plus 8 returned to the air after a monthlong hiatus this past Monday.

The first of the two back to back episodes was compiled of earlier footage before the two parents had officially separated.  Jon and Kate shared just a couple of scenes together, and did not spend any time on the iconic couch, which has always been their nest for reflection on the episode.  The theme of this episode was the renovation of the kitchen, which was planned for during happier times, and happened to be scheduled for the summer.  While the two had to decide on what features they would have in their brand new custom kitchen (presumably free for them because of the exposure the company would receive), they made it clear that their choices would be for the children, and that they were only thinking about them.

I’ve heard a lot of comments around the web about how the sort of answer “we’re doing what’s best for the kids” is ludicrous based on their decision to separate.  The idea is that the best thing for children is for their parents to be together, no matter what.  It’s a callous point of view in my opinion, and one that is probably not offered by those who are in that situation, or who have gone through a similar situation.  I would like to believe that most parents love their children deeply and honestly do believe that their actions will have a positive effect on their children, in the long run.

In my case, I did not want to set an example of an unhappy marriage with my children.  I figured that if their mother was happier without me, and that I was happier without her, then our kids would understand and be happy for the both of us.  What I did not consider, was that my definition for happiness was something that I came to on my own, whereas my definition for happiness at the beginning of our relationship was something that Kim and I came to together.

As much as I want to believe it, there are very few (if any) things that make everyone happy.  You and I may like ice cream and it may make us happy, but there are a lot of people in the world who do not, for many reasons.  A positive pregnancy test means ecstasy to the couple who has been struggling with infertility for years, but it may shatter the dreams of a teenage girl who is a leader at her church.  Even taken to the extreme of life after death, in its simplest dichotomy, life with God seems like a dreadful time, while others yearn for it now, even while living.

Understanding other people, whether in a relationship with one other person, or within a real community with many people, is not always a first nature behavior.  For many of us, it isn’t even second nature.  During the show, Jon asks Kate if she would like to add a refrigerator under the counter.  She glares at him and asks, snootily,

“No Jon.  Ugh.  What planet do you live on?”

After a couple of beats of awkward silence, the kitchen remodeling designers explain to her that they also believe that it is a good idea and she sheepishly acknowledges that maybe he does live on this planet.  I paused the show, and commented to Kim:

“That was jacked up.  Why does she have to make a comment like that?”

To which Kim replied:

“Because he banged another woman, that’s why!”

“Touche” was the best reply that I could come up with after that.  I love that girl!

For Kim, Jon’s actions seemed to justify Kate’s treatment of him.  I saw Jon’s comment and felt that it was more innocuous and helpful and not deserving of the rebuke that he received from his wife.  Kim and I watched the same scene, but came to two different conclusions on Kate’s behavior.  I don’t know if either of us is “right”, and I don’t want to debate it now.  I just want to point out how both on the show, and in our viewing, we were unable to see the same situation in the same light.

I will say that Kate’s strength has come shining through in all of this.  In the second episode, she struggles with setting up a tent for her children, even as her daughters comment to her that it is something that only a man can do.  I’m sure the thoughts going through her mind about what her husband might be doing at that moment (or whom) instead of setting up that tent, must have been gnawing at her.  She showed incredible grace and poise, eventually acknowledging that she was not an expert at it, but that she would try to do anything for her children that they needed.  I really admired her in that situation.  I hope that Jon did as well.

Half way through the first episode, Kate and the kids hit the beach to be free of the dangerous remodeling in their kitchen.  Jon stayed behind and his absence was felt.  One of the boys drew his name (Dad) in the sand.  The camera caught a wave breaking onto his sand canvas, wiping out what he had made so far.  Kate exclaimed:

“Oh no.  Now we have to start over.”

Maybe so, Kate.  But if Kim and I are an imperfect but earnestly humble example… maybe not.

TLC does not allow video embedding, so you can watch the announcement on youtube here.

It was difficult to watch, and the tone of the show has changed entirely.  Instead of marveling at the resilience of these two people who committed to raise 8 children in a home of love and support, it has morphed into a soap opera where verbal darts are thrown back and forth from the couple.  Some miss, others hit painfully hard.  It seems as if they are in a sort of competition with each other, where neither of them wants the other to be happy.  Jon’s earrings, Kate’s hair and (ahem) cosmetic surgery, the sprawling new home, the special trips and visits from celebrities… they have done so many things to try to be happy and make their children happy.  But, as it is now tragically obvious, neither of them is happy, and they are now on the path to legally end their marriage.

Kate seemed legitimately at a loss for what had happened.  To her credit, she displayed real vulnerability and despair for what was happening.  Judging by how strong she acts in almost every situation of her life, I don’t believe that she was asking for pity or trying to play the victim.  Jon did not seem pleased with the decision either, although he was less emotional and appeared more calculated with his words.

As someone who has gone through this, I wanted to reach through the screen and just hug both of them.  In the irony of ironies, I watched this episode with my ex-wife, who happened to need a place for the kids to sleep due to a power outage in her neighborhood.  It brought us together to view the show, and talk about our similarities to their situation.  She was able to help me see Kate’s perspective and pain, and even give hope to what may come next for Kate… true introspection, soul searching, and reflection.  Both my ex-wife and I have done much of this over the past several months, and our cordial relationship for our children’s sake is turning into a true friendship again.

I’m not sure what will happen with Jon and Kate, but I can say something now that I haven’t been able to say until recently:  reconciliation is possible.  The behaviors that let to the deterioration of our marriage, if not changed, would lead to the deterioration of our next relationship or marriage.  We both believe that these changes are for the best, regardless of if it returns us to a state of togetherness.  Our time apart has removed many of the scotomas in our lives that prevented us from seeing who we truly are.  We are looking at our future with new eyes, and with new hopes.

Will we make it?  It’s tough to say.  We will be starting counseling together right away.  We will continue to live in separate houses.  But, with hope back on the table, who’s to say that it’s not possible to find love again?  Not me.  Not anymore.

Last night, on the premier of the new season, Jon and Kate publicly acknowledged that their relationship is mostly over, and that divorce seems to be inevitable.  This clip illustrates so clearly how far the two parents have grown apart and how much they are both hurting.  The scene from 3:30 to 4:28 especially broke my heart.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Jon probably cheated on his wife.  You can see it on his face and on hers.  It is a painful situation that I know only too well.  The exact details of his affair aren’t as important as the fact that is marriage is seriously unhealthy.  Message boards have filled up with people taking sides and talking about how Kate should drop him and move on, or how Jon was acting out in response to Kate’s controlling personality.  We can’t know.  It’s so complicated, they may not even really know why they do what they do.  I’m still baffled almost daily at my own behaviors based on what I say I believe in and who I want to be.

One of the main reasons that the show was so popular, was the near constant tension between Jon and Kate.  How they would fight and argue, only to come back together at the end of each episode with his arm around her on the couch, recapping everything and making up.  I can vividly remember an episode where they go on a ski trip in Utah, and Jon is absolutely thrilled with the freedom to ski by himself.  Away from the family, away from the kids… just himself and the slopes.  His life was not balanced.  He saw his opportunity for freedom, and he took it.  I fear that his life away from Kate won’t give him the balance he seeks either.

This clip from the show has old home movies of their engagement and better times.  It’s sweet to see them with such love and positive sentiment override for each other.

Click here to view the embedded video.

For me, I am seeking to be the man that my wife once saw in me.  Not for her, but because it really is who I can be.  Who wants you to succeed more than your spouse?  She was right to have high hopes for me.  I will never be perfect, but with practice, I will become more Godly.  I think that everyone would be on board for that.