Sometimes something newsworthy happens, and I completely miss it. It’s usually something that I care very little about, or something I am just completely ignorant about how it may pertain to my life or the people in my life. This past week it happened. Because apparently, Garth Brooks is going to be performing live concerts again.
I got on the Garth Brooks bandwagon late, after Chris Gaines and even after his retirement from touring. Never one for country music, I had assumed that I would need a ten gallon hat or a ten pound belt-buckle in order to experience some toe-tapping, knee-slapping, or even heart-melting at the sound of his voice. He finally got me good with the closing track of the Dennis Quaid/Jim Caviezel father/son movie Frequency
It’s not that I wasn’t aware of Garth’s popularity. Kim had always made it very clear to me that he was a superstar, and not just in the world of country music. In fact, he has sold more records than any other solo-artist in history. That’s no small feat for a singer who’s genre is often included in statements like “I like all kinds of music, except for ________.”
Las Vegas is not exactly a hotbed for country music. How many young banjo pickers head to Sin City for a shot to play for the throngs of country music fans there? To get signed to play in Vegas for five years, you must transcend the genre. Garth Brooks seems to do just that.
So, what does he have that makes him so relatable, connectable, personable, and charming? Maybe if we knew his secret, he would cease to be what he has come to be for so many people: a real icon.
Real is the best word that I can think of to describe this guy. He’s been married, had three kids, divorced, remarried, and still lives on a ranch in Oklahoma, instead of a penthouse in New York. It could be due to the fact that he reached the pinnacle of music greatness, but he’s much more concerned about being a good father than being the king of country music (or anything else for that matter). But even through his rise to fame, he’s still come across as real. He’s made plenty of mistakes, and he’s owned up to nearly all of them.
In fact, his Chris Gaines alter-ego failed to launch precisely because it did not seem real enough. Sure, the pseudo-goth look and the VH1 Behind the Music episode all seemed plausible for a normal star, but just not Garth. Garth Brooks doesn’t pretend. At least, that’s what his fans all believe. For a guy who can sell out five concerts at the Staples Center in L.A. in less than an hour, it was largely considered a failure. Being released ten years ago, which was ten years after his debut album in 1989, I wonder how the The Life Of Chris Gaines
With all of that said, it really seems that Garth Brooks has a hold on some sort of thread that connects him to humanity more than someone like Kanye West
It remains to be seen if Garth can reignite the media fire that he has been standing outside of for so long (sorry, I couldn’t resist), but I’m ready to be on board this time.
Well, in light of the fact that this is a light news day, this will be a light Tuesday Newsday. In fact, I just have one bit of news to share. Kim and I just got married…. again. I’ve got better things to do than write today, so I’ll be going now. Cheers!
Yup. It’s official. In an ironic twist of fate to those who have watched Jon drop the ball with his family, Jon Gosselin’s name has now been dropped from the show that he began with his wife and children just a few short years ago. According to this CNN.com article, the new show will start on November 2, and will be called “Kate Plus 8″. Oddly enough, TLC and Mr. Gosselin will maintain their “exclusive relationship”, for whatever that’s worth.
I’ve followed this story on my blog for a while, for two main reasons:
First, it was one of the top shows in my DVR stable, only subordinate to LOST. We had never missed an episode, and I had a genuine rooting interest in their family, just from watching them grow from the comfort of our living room.
Second, I myself have gone through and continue to go through some of the same emotions and actions (including infidelity and divorce) that Jon is in the midst of at this time. We both were deeply wrapped up in Christian communities where divorce is a sin of the highest order, and marriage is forever, is forever, is forever. Happiness is at least secondary to commitment, if it is even in the top ten virtues of that sub-culture. In this way, I felt much closer to Jon because of our kinship in seeking freedom from what seemed to be an oppressive situation: ie marriage.
Kate Gosselin is a strong woman. This much is clear. She has handled the situation with a good measure of class and composure, even admitting to some moments of despondence during this ordeal. She has always been open about her flaws, even being willing to show her post-pregnancy belly on national TV before she was anything close to famous.
Jon, it seems has taken a different turn. While the news of the demise of their marriage was fresh, many men (and women) wondered why it hadn’t happened sooner. For all of her good qualities, Kate had a knack of putting Jon down, questioning his parenting skills, and generally treating him like a child. And all of this on national television and (perhaps more painfully) in front of their children. You could hardly contain Jon’s smile in the moments of freedom that he experienced on the show. He seemed to begrudge his commitment to Kate and the effect it was having on his own personal freedom.
But, since their story has become a top headline around the gossip columns and the water coolers, he is much less “devoted dad” and much more “deluded douche-bag”. Having several girlfriends at once is not admirable, in my opinion, and sleeping with anyone who will have you (including the babysitter and the nanny) sounds more like bondage than emancipation to me.
The truth is, anything can become a ball and chain in our lives, not just the lovely woman that you got on your knee and promised the world to.
I honestly hope for the best for Jon and Kate, and that does not necessarily mean reconciliation. I was (and continue to be) fortunate enough to have a woman love so deeply and so truly, that my redemption and forgiveness is at hand, even now. According to the state, we are divorced. But to those who know and love us, they see what we have been working towards over the last few months. A reacquisition of the love we had feared lost, and a bright future where dragons are slay-able and mountains are conquerable.
Thank God for my lovely partner and the power in all of us to change our mind.
A few months back, SNL’s weekend update did a short joke about the Gosselin family drama, implying that their then current rumors of infidelity would inevitably lead to a break up and divorce. Seth Meyers quipped:
“Responding to reports of infidelities, Kate Gosselin from the reality show Jon and Kate Plus 8, denied that she and her husband were splitting up. Though it is interesting that TLC has two shows on its fall schedule entitled “Jon Plus 4″ and ‘Kate Plus 4.’”
I didn’t believe it at the time, but his words seem strangely prophetic in light of what the family and show are facing now. Jon and Kate plus 8 returned to the air after a monthlong hiatus this past Monday.
The first of the two back to back episodes was compiled of earlier footage before the two parents had officially separated. Jon and Kate shared just a couple of scenes together, and did not spend any time on the iconic couch, which has always been their nest for reflection on the episode. The theme of this episode was the renovation of the kitchen, which was planned for during happier times, and happened to be scheduled for the summer. While the two had to decide on what features they would have in their brand new custom kitchen (presumably free for them because of the exposure the company would receive), they made it clear that their choices would be for the children, and that they were only thinking about them.
I’ve heard a lot of comments around the web about how the sort of answer “we’re doing what’s best for the kids” is ludicrous based on their decision to separate. The idea is that the best thing for children is for their parents to be together, no matter what. It’s a callous point of view in my opinion, and one that is probably not offered by those who are in that situation, or who have gone through a similar situation. I would like to believe that most parents love their children deeply and honestly do believe that their actions will have a positive effect on their children, in the long run.
In my case, I did not want to set an example of an unhappy marriage with my children. I figured that if their mother was happier without me, and that I was happier without her, then our kids would understand and be happy for the both of us. What I did not consider, was that my definition for happiness was something that I came to on my own, whereas my definition for happiness at the beginning of our relationship was something that Kim and I came to together.
As much as I want to believe it, there are very few (if any) things that make everyone happy. You and I may like ice cream and it may make us happy, but there are a lot of people in the world who do not, for many reasons. A positive pregnancy test means ecstasy to the couple who has been struggling with infertility for years, but it may shatter the dreams of a teenage girl who is a leader at her church. Even taken to the extreme of life after death, in its simplest dichotomy, life with God seems like a dreadful time, while others yearn for it now, even while living.
Understanding other people, whether in a relationship with one other person, or within a real community with many people, is not always a first nature behavior. For many of us, it isn’t even second nature. During the show, Jon asks Kate if she would like to add a refrigerator under the counter. She glares at him and asks, snootily,
“No Jon. Ugh. What planet do you live on?”
After a couple of beats of awkward silence, the kitchen remodeling designers explain to her that they also believe that it is a good idea and she sheepishly acknowledges that maybe he does live on this planet. I paused the show, and commented to Kim:
“That was jacked up. Why does she have to make a comment like that?”
To which Kim replied:
“Because he banged another woman, that’s why!”
“Touche” was the best reply that I could come up with after that. I love that girl!
For Kim, Jon’s actions seemed to justify Kate’s treatment of him. I saw Jon’s comment and felt that it was more innocuous and helpful and not deserving of the rebuke that he received from his wife. Kim and I watched the same scene, but came to two different conclusions on Kate’s behavior. I don’t know if either of us is “right”, and I don’t want to debate it now. I just want to point out how both on the show, and in our viewing, we were unable to see the same situation in the same light.
I will say that Kate’s strength has come shining through in all of this. In the second episode, she struggles with setting up a tent for her children, even as her daughters comment to her that it is something that only a man can do. I’m sure the thoughts going through her mind about what her husband might be doing at that moment (or whom) instead of setting up that tent, must have been gnawing at her. She showed incredible grace and poise, eventually acknowledging that she was not an expert at it, but that she would try to do anything for her children that they needed. I really admired her in that situation. I hope that Jon did as well.
Half way through the first episode, Kate and the kids hit the beach to be free of the dangerous remodeling in their kitchen. Jon stayed behind and his absence was felt. One of the boys drew his name (Dad) in the sand. The camera caught a wave breaking onto his sand canvas, wiping out what he had made so far. Kate exclaimed:
“Oh no. Now we have to start over.”
Maybe so, Kate. But if Kim and I are an imperfect but earnestly humble example… maybe not.
But what was the question? Just hours before passing on November 21, 2008, Brendan Foster was interviewed by CNN for a food drive for the homeless that he helped birth from his hospital bed, just two weeks before. The reason for his hospital stay? Leukemia. The interview and the question that he was asked is in the video below.
It’s been over 7 months since Brendan died, but his words have echoed in my mind countless times since then. I tend to be an adventurous person. I love to try new things and experience the different flavors that life has to offer. But, as we all know, there are only so many hours in a day, and only so much that can be experienced at the same time. Sometimes to try something new, you have to give up on something old.
It sounds great right? Something is not working like it was before, so you throw it away and get something better? You only live once, so make sure that you live it right! No one wants to look back at their life in regret of the actions that they did not take, or the experiences that they were too afraid to try. It does take some courage to try something new, but that courage does not make you wise or righteous in having it. In fact, you can be a fool if you do not first consider the circumstances around the “old” thing, at the time when it was “new”. What was it that made the “old” thing so desirable in the first place?
I slowly raise my hand up to identify myself as one of those fools. I was experiencing difficulty in my marriage. In some ways, if I’m being honest, it felt like a terminal illness. I was unhappy, and the only option I chose to see was the one that Brendan wished that I wouldn’t. I gave up. I threw both hands in the air and said: ”I quit!” I thought about my wife and my children and honestly believed that they would be happier to have a happier me. That meant leaving. I didn’t believe that my presence and perseverance were valuable enough to hold onto. What I saw… was broken. So I threw it away.
Then, I saw Brendan’s interview. It shook me. ”Why was it ok for me to give up?” I kept asking myself. But it was too late. I had closed the door, sealed my fate, and turned the page.
But his words stayed with me.
The divorce continued. She moved on. I moved on. Lawyers came in. Assets and debts were divided. Visitation schedules were drawn up. Friends took sides. Family members ached with their own sense of loss and betrayal. And on May 6, 2009 it was finished. The divorce was final.
And with that mutual goal of divorce being completed, something changed. Something in our perception of reality. We now faced a future together as co-parents of three wonderful children. We were still “partners”. In truth, our love for children is what brought us together in the first place.
We had poured out the bottle of our love for each other. Every last drop was gone. But as we looked closely at the bottle, we noticed the “CRV” near the bottom, in small print. Cash Redemption Value. Whoever created this bottle still wanted to use it. Even after we had exhausted it’s contents. We remembered when the bottle was first filled with our courtship and marriage. We remembered praying together asking our Creator to create something beautiful with us. We wondered if there was value still to be had from this bottle. We wondered if we were worth redemption.
Now, as we attend counseling together, I see the value of holding on. As we learn more about cognitive psychology together, we see our scotomas and acknowledge our limited perceptions. We are creating a new vivid picture together and we are praying again for our Creator to fill the bottle. It still has value. WE still have value.
I share Brendan’s answer on what makes him sad, for myself. Not every situation is like mine. There is necessary growth in life and sometimes we must let go to grow. But now that I have this chance again to create something beautiful, I’m holding on.
My ex-wife and I followed this show from it’s beginning about 3 years ago. Up until the point when we separated, we had seen every episode. There were so many things about Jon that I related with, and things about Kate that my wife could relate to. They had 2 pregnancies, and ended up with 8 children. TLC found their story fascinating, and did a 1 hour special on them as the sextuplets turned one. They did a follow up episode as the kids turned two. The response was so great, that TLC suggested a regular series. Because they had so little time to create home movies with all of the diapers, clothes, food, and life going on around them, Jon and Kate agreed to invite the cameras into their lives, and document what it is like to raise twins and sextuplets.
Last night, on the premier of the new season, Jon and Kate publicly acknowledged that their relationship is mostly over, and that divorce seems to be inevitable. This clip illustrates so clearly how far the two parents have grown apart and how much they are both hurting. The scene from 3:30 to 4:28 especially broke my heart.
Jon probably cheated on his wife. You can see it on his face and on hers. It is a painful situation that I know only too well. The exact details of his affair aren’t as important as the fact that is marriage is seriously unhealthy. Message boards have filled up with people taking sides and talking about how Kate should drop him and move on, or how Jon was acting out in response to Kate’s controlling personality. We can’t know. It’s so complicated, they may not even really know why they do what they do. I’m still baffled almost daily at my own behaviors based on what I say I believe in and who I want to be.
One of the main reasons that the show was so popular, was the near constant tension between Jon and Kate. How they would fight and argue, only to come back together at the end of each episode with his arm around her on the couch, recapping everything and making up. I can vividly remember an episode where they go on a ski trip in Utah, and Jon is absolutely thrilled with the freedom to ski by himself. Away from the family, away from the kids… just himself and the slopes. His life was not balanced. He saw his opportunity for freedom, and he took it. I fear that his life away from Kate won’t give him the balance he seeks either.
This clip from the show has old home movies of their engagement and better times. It’s sweet to see them with such love and positive sentiment override for each other.
I have hope that they can find peace and happiness again, and that their children will share it with them.
For me, I am seeking to be the man that my wife once saw in me. Not for her, but because it really is who I can be. Who wants you to succeed more than your spouse? She was right to have high hopes for me. I will never be perfect, but with practice, I will become more Godly. I think that everyone would be on board for that.